HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!

okay, so it's only 9 pm here on new year's eve... but i know for some of you it's already 2011 so HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i'm starting 2011 on a good note and have fasted today- water, diet dr. pepper, & gum.
the bar later so hopefully i won't come home drunk and chow down. i'm never hungry while drunk so i don't see that happening...
anyway, be safe everyone!!

12/30/2010

thank you everyone for your comments. honestly, from the bottom of my shriveled heart, i appreciate them so much. while my situation sucks, it's comforting to know that i am not the only person going through such things. then i watch shows like intervention & celebrity rehab and i know that people with addictions are damaged and usually that damage is caused by other people. how fucked up is that? anyway...

so i really let myself go over the break. a few weeks ago i got really fucking sick and stopped going to the gym and started eating regularly. then finals started and i was still sick and making excuses to not go to the gym. then my (bitchy, fat- see HERE) friend came and visited me for a week. of course i told her (3 times) to bring gym clothes, but when i asked where they were she said she left them at home because i would be busy with finals... okay... most terrible excuse ever.
so therefore, you see, i have gained some weight. but yesterday my fat jeans were tight and i decided that i cannot let myself balloon up again. so yesterday i had only a grande non-fat latte and diet dr. pepper until about 7 pm when my mom made me a dish i requested. i had a few catfish nuggets and about 2 cups of white rice, nothing crazy. i was doing well until at 1 am, when i smoked a few bowls by myself. i was getting hungry and couldn't stop thinking about eating.

so i made the mistake of eating a banana (~80 cal), which turned into a small rice crispies treat (90 cal), which turned into a Hershey's bar (210 cal), which turned into about three 100 grand mini chocolate bars (270 cal), sweet potato fries (130) and a faux chicken patty (130).

yes, i am thoroughly ashamed of myself, but i did lose 1.2 lbs. i'm not going to mention what my weight is at the moment but i shall keep you updated. but now i'm going to catch up on some blogs and get into my daily routine of... doing nothing. i want to go back to school so bad. i need to go back to the gym and just be in my own apartment. of course i love my family, but none of my friends live in my hometown anymore, besides 1 and she has a kid and a job. the rest live further away and it would cost me $$ I don't have to go see them!

anyway, ciao for now my friends :)

12/28/2010

wow, i haven't posted in so long. i'm at my parent's house and it is sucking. my dad has always been an alcoholic but now he works 3rd shift, so when he's awake everyone else is asleep. this is bad because he gets bored and just drinks, and drinks, occasionally takes pills (i don't know the extent of this, but they are prescribed and HIS), falls down, gets hurt, drives drunk, drinks some more, etc. etc.
it's fucking pathetic that i can't even enjoy coming home anymore because i have to see my fucking drunk dad stumbling around like a fucking idiot. i don't know how my mom can stand living with him. it's pathetic and i'm scared he's going to die before i graduate. he has had liver problems in the past, and his drinking of liquor and pills is hard on his liver, and that doesn't include the possibility of getting into a car accident while drunk or falling and hurting himself.
i love my dad so fucking much, i ask him why can't he stop? he tells me he's asked God but God won't help him, i tell him he needs to help himself and he says go fuck yourself.
i'm crying and upset because i want to help him but what can i do? i love him so much and all i can do is sit and watch him kill himself because he is depressed.
we all have our problems but i keep telling myself that some people don't have their dads around, or they beat them or hurt them and that i'm lucky to have had him around so long. but if something happens i don't know what i will do. i'm going to become a hoarder, or a drug addict, or succumb to some dark, downward spiral.
i've never had to deal with the death of someone close to me. my mom keeps telling me not to blame myself because of him. i just don't know what to do, i've only been home for 8 days and 3 of those i was out of town at my friend's houses.

how sad is it that i can't even enjoy being at home for the holidays? i just want to go back to school and my gym, but then when i get there i'll just be putting my problems behind me and looking at other ones. *sigh*


sorry for the emo post, i don't know who else to talk to.

December

Wow, I can't believe it's December already. This time last year I was many pounds heavier, but happier. I spent lots of happy times with the "other guy", and now I haven't spoken to him and months, and never will because he wants nothing to do with me. I'm not really sad about it, I've resigned myself to our lack of a relationship and his obvious disdain for my existence. I haven't spoken to him in so long I wouldn't even know what to say. I am curious as to whether he has a girlfriend or not, and what's going on in his life, but oh well.

Anyway, this is my month. My favorite month. Too bad I start it off by getting sick; my throat is so itchy so I'm drinking a packet of Emergen-C (25 cals). Hopefully I will be able to ward off whatever I'm beginning to catch, but I doubt it. It also doesn't help that it's pouring and so windy outside and I have to walk to class in this crap... oh well.
Monday I went to the gym and did 3 miles on the treadmill and 3 weight machines. On the treadmill I was running every half mile, walking the other half mile and my left hip where the leg connects to the hip was hurting after, so I decided (along with my desire to be lazy) to stay home last night and just chill with the boyfriend. I spent yesterday leisurely reading, although I should have been catching up on school work.
I am amazingly broke. My rent is paid but all my other bills are due. Just gotta wait until Friday, but all money that I get will go towards bills. Being a broke college student sucks, especially when one doesn't have a job. I guess that's my fault though.
Anyway, I'm being emo. I haven't weighed myself today and I don't want to, but I'm going to. I know it's going to be around 128 and most likely higher. Bleh.

11/26/10

so i've been debating on whether or not i want to post about what has happened to me this week, but i feel that i can lie to myself, i can lie to others, but i can't lie to my followers and because... i dunno.

• late summer/right before school started back i blogged about meeting Jeb (fake name), a guy who i hooked up with who stood me up the 2nd time we were supposed to meet up because i am apparently "too clingy" (frankly i wasn't upset that much because he has an EXTREMELY small male part)
• his roommate, Ricardo (fake name), obviously had a thing for me. i met him first and lightly touched his arm to let him know i was there (body language my friends) but i wasn't really feeling him so i didn't really pursue him
• Ricardo was the one who consoled me when Jeb stood me up, we smoked together and just talked, then he got my number from Jeb's phone and we have been texting each other back and forth since the summer (i go to school 12 hours away)
• originally, i had no intention of anything ever happening between Ricardo and I. I wasn't really attracted to him and i knew he had a girlfriend and i just thought it was weird that he was going behind his girl and shit, etc etc. nothing bad was happening between the texts, but he kept telling me how cool i was and how sexy, you know the drill. i would have a text from him in the morning and he was just really sweet (aren't they all)
• so, as the months roll on we start having more sexual conversations, i send him pics and he sends me pics (his body is so fucking sexy) and eventually when my boyfriend isn't home and Ricardo is away from his girlfriend, we have a sexual conversation on the phone. as time continues to roll on we eventually make plans to meet up when i go home and get a hotel room
• so the plan was for us to spend the night together this past saturday and sunday night, but on the thursday before, i decided that i couldn't cheat on my boyfriend. i hadn't seen Ricardo in months and was scared that i wouldn't be attracted to him and the night would be a flop
• so he changes his plans again, he originally had the whole weekend free but since i had changed plans, everything was on his time. so saturday night we eventually meet up at 1 am, i leave my friends place and meet him at his car because he was hiding from Jeb (aren't we so sleazy? and yes, Ricardo is aware of the activities that happened between Jeb and I... as shitty as they were). we go to this place and park the car
• very sexy things happen, blah blah, i kept bitching because i was so horny and there are so many things that i want to do with him, but i can't because we are in this shitty little coupe type car. i put my feet all over his window and draw my name in the fog because part of me wants his girlfriend to find out whats happening. i even told him how funny it is that while we're fucking his girlfriend is sleeping. yes, i know i am a terrible, horrible person, but karma always comes back around.
• so the next day we're supposed to hang out, of course we don't because he's a stupid dude and i'm a stupid girl who falls for stupid dudes who i wasn't even interested in from the start.

moral of the story: don't do something you don't want to do, or at least don't cancel plans. i feel like if we got a hotel room the nights would have been magical and i wouldn't have ended up twiddling my thumbs while waiting for some stupid guy to text me for potential booty call action. but he has the best body out of any guy i've ever been with, so that has to count for something right?
i deleted his number from my phone and i haven't heard from him in days. *guffaw* what was i expecting?? i mean i'm not upset. i'm just angry at myself because i canceled our original plans because i didn't want to have sex, but we ended up having sex anyway. whereas we could have had amazing sex in a hotel instead of a car. you live you learn, right?

ps- i copied this bullet idea from someone (sorry, i can't remember who right now) and you're right it is much easier to get a story like this out by using bullet points. sorry if it was hard to follow and i hope none of you judge me, although i'm expecting to lose a few followers tonight.

weight wise: thanksgiving holiday. i forgot my scale at my apartment and i don't even wanna think about what my weight currently is. but i plan to be my goal weight by christmas, and that's a promise that i expect and want ya'll to hold me to. it will happen.

P.S.A.

a friend of a friend died recently due to a heart attack. she was a 20 something who was out of therapy and recovering from anorexia.

i'm not going to say much else, but i think that it's something we should all take a minute to think about. please pray for her family and friends, and people all over the world who are affected by an eating disorder.

11/18/2010 10:15 am

okay, done being emo. if he doesn't want to hang out with me, his loss.

the liquid fast yesterday went well. had ~300 total calories in the form of a latte and breakfast drink mix and milk.

morning weight: 124.2
but we all know that number changes as soon as one eats, so i'm not going to update my ticker until i can maintain this weight for at least 3 days.

edit 12:17 pm

broke my fast with sweet potato fries (~150 cal), 2 zesty pickles (0) and 2 caramel flavored rice cakes (100 cal).
then i purged the rice cakes. wtf? i know i looked real fucking sexy standing over my kitchen sink, tears rolling down my face and snot pouring out of my nose, shoving a toothbrush handle down my throat. i don't even know what the appeal is. i could go to the gym and burn those cals in half an hour. which is what i plan on doing after class.

whatever.

fuck my life

so today was going good, haven't eaten anything besides water and a non-fat latte (130 cals) from starbucks, went to the gym, 2.5 miles on the treadmill and 3 weight machines.

then i see the "other guy". with a girl. he didn't even say hello.

this is bullshit and my whole fucking night is ruined. i haven't talked to him in months, and i haven't run into him in weeks. i hate how just seeing him and walking past him can ruin my day.

Monday 11/15/10

it was a lazy weekend full of birthday parties and extremely gluttonous eating.

water fasting today with my girl MJ

i have a big weekend planned so i can't fuck this up

what the hell... honestly.

did well all day yesterday until i got to the birthday party and got high.

ate like a normal person, even had a little icing, and i gained over 3 fucking pounds!!! 128.6

*sigh* liquid fasting and gym today.

11/9/10

i'm scared to weigh myself tomorrow.

~700 calories (wtf... i feel like i binged, but i know i could have done so much worse. i still feel shitty though)

4.6 miles on the treadmill (running each other half a mile, as usual- need to work on this)
4 weight machines, 3 reps of 15 at max weight (leg press & 3 arm machines)

i'm happy because i wasn't even going to go to the gym today, but i packed my gym bag anyway. i had eaten before the gym so i told myself it would be a terrible day of self loathing if i didn't sweat some of those calories out.

i was planning on fasting tomorrow, but i have to go to a birthday party. we shall see how that goes but i'm not eating any fucking cake.

i hope it's not ice cream cake... i flipping love ice cream cake.

125.6

finally making some progress.

11/8/10 continued

thank you beautiful ladies for your supportive comments on my earlier post. some people are just... stupid.

anyway, today was good. kept it under 400 cals (i love spinach... a cup is SEVEN calories and it's nutrient dense... yes please! throw some garlic on that piece and you are good to go) and did 2.5 miles on the treadmill (i wanted to do 5 miles but i hadn't eaten all day and i just wasn't feeling it after the first 2.5) and kicked my ass on some weight machines. my arms are so fatigued that i could hardly keep my arms up while washing my hair in the shower. did 220 lbs on the seated leg press (yes, i used to be fat- my legs are used to carrying lots of weight!)

not offense to anyone who has different ideals than i do, but like i told my dumbass "friend" from my last post, i'm not aiming to be super skinny or thin. i want to be considered -in shape- and/or -fit-. if any female is worried about getting muscles and becoming bulky, you won't. i've done lots of research on this and our bodies just won't become all gross and muscular unless supplements or used or you hit the gym hardcore. as you all know, some muscle is needed, etc. etc.

and saturday i caved and bought two pairs of skinny jeans (sz 4) from charlotte russe. i also got a new bra. i went from a 36c to a 34b. i never took before pictures because i was too embarrassed (don't make this mistake if you are just starting on your weight loss journey) so i have nothing to compare myself to. and as you all know, it's difficult to see gradual changes when you're looking at your body constantly.

anyway, i'm heading to bed because i have to wake up early and get a filling tomorrow. fml

*sigh*

don't you hate it when people (one of your "best friends") doubts your weight loss at the start, laughs and says you can't lose weight, and then when you DO lose weight they can never be happy for you?

i mean, i'm sorry you're over 200 lbs with no motivation to lose weight ("i'm waiting until i have more time to completely focus. i'm too busy with school. blah blah *more excuses please*"). i fucking busted my ass and completely changed my life, including a complete overhaul of my eating habits and making the gym routine whereas before i would bitch about even walking to class.

now you're telling me that my size is too small, that you wouldn't be happy even as a size 6? that that is too low for you? that's fucking bullshit considering:
1) you've never seen me at my size (i'm a sz. 2, haven't seen her in a few months because of school)
2) you've never even seen yourself under a size 14

why can't a "best friend" just be fucking happy for me? i try to be polite and motivate her, but at this point, it's pointless. i'm not going to go out on a limb for you just because you hate your fat ass.

so, she sent me a pic of her in her 14s that she hasn't been able to wear in 2 years. i sent her back a pic of me that i took, wearing only undies (it's very flattering). do you know what she had to say?

"you're right, you'll never have an ass"

FUCK YOU. I'm fucking sick of people being hateful and jealous. you don't like how you look? don't fucking take it out on me.

11/7/10

so, i finally updated my ticker to my current weight. i feel like shit that i gained over 3 pounds, buuuut that's what happens.
i believe i've finally come to terms with the fact that if i seriously want to reach my goal weight, i need to stop smoking weed. there are days when i can smoke and resist binging, but those days are rare. i hate to make excuses for eating, and i hate to give people another reason to talk shit on weed smokers, but if i want to get shit done... i need to stop smoking. my plan is to stop smoking during the week and allow myself to smoke on the weekends. i HAVE to do this, not only for my weight, but for my grades and my wallet.

thank god i don't really enjoy alcohol, or i would have the biggest beer gut ever.

anyway... today was good. i went to the gym and did 5 miles on the treadmill (jogging and briskly walking every other half mile) but only did two weight machines. intake is under 500 (seafood salad, 100 calorie snack, a (very) few bites of paneer tikka masala, and some sunflower seeds).

i need more days like today.

wow

i just felt the need to post how angry i am about the fact that a grande, non-fat eggnog latte from starbucks is 450 calories. i'm glad i enjoyed it because i would be much more angry if it was gross. no more eggnog lattes for me.

so the past week and a few days has been bad. the last time i went to the gym was on tuesday. i don't even want to update my ticker to my current weight; it's too embarrassing. i also just got back from getting my acrylics on. i know i was using them as a goal reward, but i had to get them again!! :x

so my plan now is to go tanning and take my fat ass to the gym. what upsets me is that the ~500 cals burnt for 5 miles on the treadmill won't even make up for that latte. luckily though, the latte was the only thing i've had today and that was at 12:30 pm.

*sigh* that latte thing has really bummed me out.

10/29/2010 12:12 am

just got back from the gym. did 2.8 miles on the treadmill and 3 weight machines. not as much as i wanted to but... yeah i don't even have an excuse.

today's intake:
faux chik'n patty: 140
2 zucchini fritters: 140
4 hundred calorie snacks: 400 (WTF)
salmon: 100
total: 780
wow, that's a lot. i hate that i wasn't even that hungry and i ate. but, what can i do now? monday and tuesday i liquid fasted, yesterday i kept it under 500 cals but didn't go to the gym.

today bill clinton came to my school to talk. here's a pic of him that i took:

i have a short story due tomorrow, 8 pages or so. i have a few ideas of what i want to write about, but i'm not really looking forward to it. it doesn't help that my neighbors across the hall are fucking loud as hell, and it's thursday so everyone is outside partying in this great non-seasonal weather, while i am stuck inside doing work (aka procrastinating).

fml.

and the scale isn't effing budging and it really sucks. my body is obviously changing and looking better, but i hate not seeing a number drop on the scale. i went to the mall today and tried some clothes on (i'm super broke right now so i didn't buy anything). the size 2 boot cut jeans fit great (i know i've mentioned this before), but the skinny jeans just don't fit right. but i don't really care because i honestly hate skinny jeans. i can't pull them off and i hate falling for fads. just like uggs. it took me forever to finally buy a pair and i had them up on ebay & craigslist not long after. they didn't sell, unfortunately, so i'm stuck with them. :(

anyway, keep updating your blogs so i can have stuff to read. and if you follow me please leave me a comment so i can follow your blogs too.

10/26/10

10:21 pm, second day of my liquid fast. i want to eat right now. i'm not even hungry i just love the way my faux chicken patties and my zucchini fritters taste. but i know once i eat i won't be able to stop. and it's already almost 10:30, AND i didn't go to the gym today. so like leto said on her blog, my plan is to fast on days that i don't go to the gym, and on days i do go to the gym, i'll restrict to an amount close to the number of calories i burn.
weekends will be off days in which i can eat up to 800 calories. this way i'll have something to look forward to and will help me not binge throughout the week.

so yeah my plan tonight is to do some homework while watching chopped and the season premiere of teen mom. my roomie/bf is not here tonight so i have the place to myself. too bad my place is HAUNTED!

10/25/2010

today has been good except for a few things. i woke up at 8 am to study for a midterm, then went to class, studied some more, and took my exam and definitely made an a! then i went to the gym, and this is where my day gets shitty: i got corrected on my form on one of the machines. of course i understand that the girl didn't want me to get injured, but it's the fact that i've been doing that machine like that FOREVER and i knew deep down i was likely doing it wrong, but i didn't care. which means that other people have noticed me doing it wrong, meaning that i've been looking like an idiot ever since i started going to the gym!!! AHHHH, very shitty feeling.

so anyway, i did 3 miles on the treadmill (half walking half jogging), and 5 (3 sets 15 reps each) weight machines. came home and am currently waiting on my clothes to get out of the washer. i don't know why my landlord is so cheap and makes us use the pay washers ($1.25 per use), along with a dryer that doesn't work (i don't dry my clothes anyway). it really makes laundry days few and far between. bad i know, but not living at home anymore means no luxury of having my own washer and dryer!

oh and i'm liquid fasting today, i've had:
carnation instant breakfast (9 am): 150 cals
bottled lipton sweet tea (noon): 140 cals (36g of sugar WHAAAAAAT?!)
water
total: 290 cals

high ramblings- 10/23/10

hi everyone, especially my new followers! sorry i haven't posted in a while, i haven't really had anything interesting to say... i haven't exactly been binging but i haven't been restricting either...
BUT! i have been going to the gym. my legs & arms are sore as sh!t. i've upped my treadmill usage from 2.5 mi./30 mins to 5 mi/1 hour. which isn't anything too impressive- BUT- it means that my body is becoming more efficient. like i said before, i used to be barely able to do 30 mins. on the elliptical, so i need to keep this up.
i also took off my acrylics and i'm not allowing myself to get them until i weigh 120 lbs. ugh i want my acrylics back so bad :( my nails feel naked and my hands look short and stubby! *childish tantrum*

there's a 5k in november that i am most likely going to sign up for as long as i can find a friend to come along. completing a 5k would be a great FUCK YOU to the people who laughed at me when i said i was going to lose weight. and now they're still fat and i'm not (compared to them) ! HAHAHA to you, fatties!
yes i am a very bitter person. i think i'm going to shower and go to the mall.

<3333

10/15/10

today has been a good day. turned in a paper, went to class, and then i went to the mall, bought two turtlenecks, a fleece vest, and another fleece thing-a-ma-bob (tag says parka) from lands end (all size xs w00t). the lady gave me $15 off too, schwing! then i went to american eagle (my fav. jeans) and I FIT INTO A SIZE TWO!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHH BUDDDDY!!!!!!!!! granted, they were tight and my fat was flopping everywhere, but they BUTTONED!!! (god i feel like such a fatass having to specify that)

then i went to the gym, was at 2.40 miles jogging my heart out and started getting nauseous (you see where this is going). i just blew it off and was trying to reach 2.5 mi. then the nausea was getting worse, and at 2.44 i started gagging. i promptly pressed the emergency stop button and ran to the trash can. i had only eaten around 2 (i had a bubble tea (terrible, i know) and about 5 of my bf/roomies french fries) and just threw up some water. there were only like 2 or 3 people within seeing distance, and i was trying to make eye contact with the girl on a elliptical behind me, but she was specifically avoiding looking at me, i think. so i got back on the treadmill and finished my .06 miles, and lifted for about 20 mins.

then i bought weed. BAD I KNOW. but i'm gonna keep the intake down. I PROMISE. i need my size 4's to be extra loose so i can buy some size 2's (i'm fucking broke as shit and my credit card is maxed out... oops).

anyway, i hope all ya'll had amazing days, and remember: THIN IS IN (lamest saying ever, i know).
high ramblings:
no but seriously, if you want to binge, just remember how amazing it feels to be able to fit into a new size for the first time. as you know, it's an amazing feeling. so DONT FUCK IT UP! (i'm mainly speaking to myself here)

ahhh

so, i am officially sick. i guess it's a head cold, if it was the flu i would know, right? and it sucks even more because i only have one class today, and it's supposed to start raining around that time period. walking a mile to class, in the rain, WHILE SICK, is gonna fucking suck.

so i'm almost back down to the weight i was before i started stuffing myself, and i was surprised i didn't gain from yesterday because i ingested THREE FUCKING POUNDS of concord grapes. being from the south, i fucking love muscadine grapes, but they don't have them up north, so i have to settle for the next best thing- concord grapes. which means i definitely went over the 600 cal limit that my lover and i had set for ourselves. but today i honestly feel like shit hole and i can barely taste this hot green tea i made for myself, so hopefully i can keep my intake low/non-existant.
anyway, i hope ya'll are doing fantastic. time to read more blogs. :)
<33333333333

oh, my "bf"/roomie and i carved pumpkins last night. final result:

oh and here's a lady i saw on the street:

pps: this is really fucking embarrassing, but i figure if we can freely talk about laxatives and not eating for days, i can share this. *deep breath* does anyone play neopets/used to play and wants to let me have their old account or be friends in game? i don't LEGIT play, as in spend hours on there, but i do browse around for a little each day and i know that there are a decent number of older players.
anyway, please don't judge me because i play neopets. i also played wow for years (i can attribute my weight gain to this), and i fucking love farmville.

yay

today was a decent day, although i am getting sick (it's possible i might be there already). i spent some time with one of my friends and we just chilled, talked, etc. i did smoke waaaay too many cigs and that mixed with being sick is giving me a huge headache. cigs are gross, i don't even know why i smoke them sometimes. i didn't get to go to the gym, BUT:

intake today:
1 cup of milk with carnation: 150 cals
emergen-c: 25 cals
nyquil

grand total: 175 (edited because i can't count)

see what happens when i don't smoke weed? i get things done. i do want a veggie chicken patty, buuuut i'm not hungry so i'll pass on that.

today is a new day...

how many times have i said that before? but no seriously, today is a new day because i am out of weed and i am not going to buy any until i reach 120. and i know that is a bold statement, but i will still smoke with someone else if they offer. the problem isn't being around others and being high, it's when i go home by myself, get high & then just eat because i have nothing better to do.

i'm getting sick. WTF. i just took my multi-vitamin & day-quil and i'm going to try to find those stupid 100000% vitamin c packets or whatever they are and scarf one down. I CANNOT GET SICK. being sick is just another excuse not to exercise and i can't let that happen!

gym last night was decent. i did 2.5 mi. on the treadmill... again. one day i will up the ante. seemingly ana girl wasn't there, and i was able to lift because i got there right before they closed (night class on mondays). my goal is not really to be super thin, i want to be "toned" (i know everyone thinks that's not a real word) and be able to flex my muscles and win when wrestling guys (always leads to sex).

and i went to the dentist and i have two (small, he says) cavities. i hadn't been to the dentist in... at least 3 years. so two small cavities- can't really complain i guess. which is weird because i never had a cavity until i was like 15.

anyway, i love every single one of you, you are ALL beautiful whether or not you think so.

and DON'T SMOKE WEED OR YOU'LL BE FAT. unless you have massive amounts of will power

what is my problem

so... i hate to admit this, but i fell off the wagon this last week. i was doing great, going to the gym every night, keeping my intake low-ish, but then i bought weed.

BIG FUCKING MISTAKE.

i am seriously done with weed until i reach my goal. of course it's not the weed's fault, it's my fault for fucking being a fatass and not giving a shit while i'm high. there was a time when i could smoke and withhold my appetite, but that doesn't happen anymore so i have got to quit the weed.
i haven't been to the gym in 3 days, but after posting this i'm going. halloween is almost fucking here and i've gained 4 fucking pounds... AHHHHHHH- i feel terrible :( 


edit- just got back from the gym, and even though i didn't do too much (2.5 miles on the treadmill (1.5 jogging) and half an hour of lifting) i feel GREAT! i can't believe that i flake out on the gym... getting up and going there is the actual hard part, afterwards you feel accomplished and great (even though it will take FOREVER for me to lose what i gained just by being a fat little greedy person, shoving my gullet with anything in my pantry... but i digress).


there's this girl who was in one of my women's studies class... she was super quiet, always had this tote that said to go vegan and stuff, and i always see her at the gym KILLING herself, she is getting smaller and smaller (i would say she's about 110 or so), and i feel that she has some type of ed. of course i could be wrong, but i don't think so.  but hey, if she can not be lazy and have determination, more power to her!

124.2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

too bad i have an exam :(

FML

so fasting yesterday was going well until about 8:30 PM, when i jokingly suggested to my roommate/ex-bf/bf that we should go to his favorite restaurant. he jumped at the opportunity, and i stuffed myself stupid, having:

~10 fried green beans (wtf, fried green beans??? they're sooo good though!)
9 medium sized fried shrimp
~10 fried sweet potato fries
i hate eating fried shit. only because greasy stuff goes straight through my system and out... if you know what i mean. but i still ended up losing .8 of a pound, so blehhhh. i didn't end up going to the gym either last night, cuz by the time we got home they were closed already.

BUT, today i have fasted, the only calories i have had have been a fresh, 16 oz. strawberry & banana smoothie (i made sure to ask if they use sugar, they don't). i also went to the gym, but didn't do too much. :( i did exactly a mile on the treadmill (half jogging and half power walking with the incline on 8) and 25 minutes of weight lifting (leg press- 170 lbs., shoulder press- 30 lbs., pulldown- 60 lbs., and the machine where you sit down and pull the arm things back- 50 lbs.; 3 sets of 15 reps. each & some stretching).
hopefully tomorrow i will be down to 125, but every time i lift, i always seem to gain. :(

i also saw THAT guy THREE fucking times in the past two days. you know, the guy that i used to hang out with and smoke with almost everyday, developed non-mutual feelings for, had sex with, and now (on his accord) we never talk. we made (very) small talk and i hate how he's so fucking fake (nice to my face but blocking me off most of his facebook (i ended up deleting him) and never contacting me until he wants something). i try to act indifferent towards him and answer him in very short statements.  i don't know what his issue is, but sometimes i wish he would just flat out tell me he never wants anything to do with me again. i keep holding out hope because we always go through these phases, where we will hang out everyday, not hang out for a while, and then start hanging out again. but now, since we had sex, i feel that he is really done with me, and i need to just accept that fact. but, it's really fucking hard when we go to school together, live very close to each other, and have the potential to pass each other often.

this just gives me more motivation to reach my goal weight. maybe he will start talking to me again if i do?

*sigh* i feel so pathetic, caring so much for this person who doesn't give two shits about me. i also feel that i am starting to obsess over my weight. when i eat i feel somewhat guilty, and i think of the food just sitting there in my stomach, the physical weight of it and the caloric weight of it causing me to gain weight. i don't like this new anxiety about eating and it's starting to scare me. i feel like the more weight i lose, the more fat i have. it's like the smaller my frame gets, the more the fat on my body sticks out more. i have noticed my upper arm fat is shrinking, but my thighs are always the same. i think my thighs will always be fat, no matter how much weight i lose. and i'm not just saying that, i really truly believe it, and my thighs prove it.
i'm really scared that i'll never be happy, even when i am at 118. i feel like 118 is a good number, then i see other people on blogger and other sites who are 118 but still consider themselves fat.
is 118 really fat? if 118 is fat, then 126 must be humongous.

and another reason i feel so distraught is because i really don't have friends up here. :( all my friends are at home, hundreds of miles away. i talk to them daily, but it's not the same. i'm the type of person who likes to go out on a whim, smoke blunts, gossip, and just have fun. i have my roomie/ex/bf, but i fucking live with him, and he doesn't really like to go out too much... at all really.
i obviously need other friends. the other guy was one of my few friends up here, but obviously that didn't work out. my other friend i haven't seen much lately, and the only other person i consider a "friend" (i wouldn't even go that far to call her a friend) is a fucking weirdo.

i have an exam tomorrow that i need to study for, and reading to do. please excuse my emo post.

126.8

this is the lowest i can ever remember being. fasted all day yesterday (water & iced tea) and i am also fasting today. i'm not sure how long i'm going to fast for, i guess i'll just wing it.

i'm going to head to the gym after my night class and do some lifting and the treadmill. i'm not going to aim for 40 minutes because i haven't eaten in two days, but i'll try to do a sensible amount. if anything, i'll just turn up the incline and walk for a little.

i'm curious to see what i weigh tomorrow, 126.8 just isn't cutting it for me.

9/26/10

in my school's tech center place, iced tea with 4 splendas in hand. surprisingly, i have been to the gym lately:

thursday- treadmill (jog half a mile 0 incline, power walk half a mile with the incline on 6, repeat) 30 mins., 2.6 mi., 20 mins on a few weight machines
friday- treadmill (same as above) 30 mins., 2.6 mi., 20 mins on a few weight machines
today- treadmill (same as above) 40 mins., 3.2 mi.-- pushed it a little harder this time

so, this might not be a lot for most people, but for me it is a HUGE stepping stone. i remember when i could barely exercise on the elliptical for 5 minutes with no resistance, then i was doing an hour at a time on the elliptical with the resistance up. NOW i can actually jog and am slowly making progress.

could i possibly be out of this "no exercise while eating like a pig" stage? before recently, i hadn't gone to the gym in weeks. now i'm looking forward to going to the gym again. could these last ten pounds be coming off? shit, i really don't care about the number right now, i just want to be in size 2 jeans!

i'm also fasting today, 6 PM and so far so good. today i have only ingested: water, iced tea, weed, a fourth of a clove cigarette.

i also just went ahead and deleted that guy off facebook. he had me blocked from everything but his info tab. why not just delete me in the first place? guys are dumb. but i'm dumber because i let myself get into this situation, knowing very well what the consequences would be.
i think, deep down, a main reason i wanted to lose weight was to have sex with this guy (okay, maybe i wanted to be in a relationship with him- that obviously didn't work out. i guess i got the second best thing?); i got what i wanted, so why is it all so shitty now?

blehhhh i need to do this work. i'm so behind and i have a two page paper due tomorrow that i didn't know about! and yes, i realize two pages isn't very much, but it's more reading i have to do on top of the reading that i already had to do.

AHHHHH   i'm kinda hungry. kind words to encourage my fast?
ilu all

hmm... txting buddy?

i'm feeling especially emo. i don't know about ya'll, but i'm the type of person who listens to song lyrics and it's amazing how many songs are relate-able. i mean, songs are just poetry and i'm sure there's a few of us here who write poetry when we are upset. anyway, enough of the high ramblings.

i'm emo because me and the guy who i wrote my first ever post (him and my issues with weight loss were the two reasons i created this blog) don't even fucking talk anymore. he called me like over 2 weeks ago for weed, and he didn't even want to smoke he just wanted to buy it from me. but i pushed myself onto him and asked if he wanted to smoke, because we seriously used to smoke allllll the time, almost daily. despite having a boyfriend, i really fell for this guy. i never listened to my friend when he said this, but now i agree with him and  feel, very very strongly, that straight guys and girls cannot be friends. one always falls for the other and ends up getting hurt in the end, same for friends with benefits. and that's exactly what fucking happened. and for months now i've thought about him daily and have had twinges of pain, but i had been able to ignore it for the most part. but right now i'm just listening to this song by trey songz:

And I wish we never did it
And I wish we never loved it
And I wish I never fell so deep in love with you and now it ain't no way we can be friends

The way it felt no fakin' it
Maybe we were movin' just a little too fast
But what we've done we can't take it back

Ain't no tellin' what we could have been
Ain't no tellin' what we could have been (no)

And if I knew it ends like this
I never would have kissed you cause I fell in love with you
We never would have kicked it
Girl now every things different
I've lost my own recoverin' my friend

and the words to this song are so true. it helps me feel better than i'm not the only person who has fucked someone and because of that fucked up the relationship. it just sucks because deep down i knew this would happen, and so did he. we ever talked about it when we were laying in bed together. he told me from the start he didn't have feelings for me like that and having sex was just a random hook up to him. well now we don't even fucking talk and this shit hurts.
what's even worse is that there's someone who loves me, but sometimes i feel like i don't give him the recognition he deserves. i mean yeah, outwardly i am the perfect gf, yeah i can be moody at times but my issues with this other guy seem non-existent to someone else, but in my head it's the constant personal conflict. and the guy even blocked me from his facebook wall? maybe he has a gf and doesn't want me to know about it? when we were in bed that night he mentioned that i would be upset if he got a gf and we were all smoking together in the future, and i told him i would be pissed but i wouldn't even want to meet her or hear about her. but then again maybe he just thinks i'm a stalker? i have no idea.

i think going back to the gym regularly would be a good idea. i don't know why, but i really just haven't been giving a shit about the gym lately. that would really help relieve some stress, and losing weight will make me happier again.

on that note, does anyone need a texting buddy? i need someone to talk to when i'm about to buy something really sugary on the way to class, give me the extra kick when i'm being lazy at the gym, or someone just to chat with. i'm in the us with verizon, not a TOTAL creeper... unless you want me to be ;) (lol, joke, i'm really not a creeper, just a really confused 21 year old)

hmm *went a lil pic crazy*

just got home from west virginia. first time i had been there, ever. the inhabitants i saw were pretty... interesting. honestly, it seems the negative stereotypes are accurate. every other person was either:
a) extremely, morbidly obese
b) extremely, amazingly fugly
c) I won't post to avoid offending anyone OR
d) any combination of the above.

i ate a LOT. all gas station favorites. hot fries especially.

yuuuum

something i forgot about last night...

there is something i learned the other night that i couldn't wait to blog about. i'm sure this is old news, but i had never heard of it. anyway, i went grocery shopping the other day and bought CALORIE FREE SALAD DRESSING!!!!!!! i was so amazed i couldn't contain myself. i also have croutons that are 5 calories each. but this doesn't matter considering that i am

FASTING TODAY!

no cheating, no carnation instant breakfast. i'm sticking to water and tea (with splenda please). i'm fasting with Skeleton Strong, and providing support for our friend wantt. anyone else who is fasting today, please let me know and offer us some encouragement.

disclaimer: illegal substances in the picture below please stop reading if you get offended illegal things (who am i kidding, right?)




 

in other news, here we have a picture of my today's (and most days) essentials (i am a little toasted right now, so just ignore this part if you want):

starting from the left and front row, we have the walden farms calorie free dressing, a bag of some dank weed, and a madagascar toy that came in my ex/bf/roomie's cereal box. second row we have sugar free gum from starbucks (2.5 cals each), my beautiful pink sharpstone grinder, a lighter, and lotion (i just got out of the shower, so i'm naked and pouring lotion all over my tone, hot, body... LOL don't i wish that was the case!!). Then we have the bong, water, hairbrush, and laptop. pretty interesting, i know.

hmm

so, i haven't posted in a loooooong time, for mainly two reasons:
1) i kinda fell off the wagon. i haven't been to the gym in... two weeks *oh mai gawd* and i've been eating like a fatass... but today i weighed 129 lbs. in the past two days i haven't wanted to eat, which leads me to reason numero dos,
2) i've been dealing with so much fucking drama, with one person who i have dealt with drama before. i really wish i could tell you how much i hate and loathe this person, but it would honestly take me so fucking long. basically they are one of those types of people who has to have their nose in everything. they get involved and then get pissed when someone says something to them that they remotely consider rude, but then it's okay for them to treat you that way, and they even say worse things. like, i honestly wish i could explain this person, but please trust me, they are fucking CRAZY. i mean mentally unstable. like, they have a script and are still fucking crazy, in the nosy, provoking way. have to turn everything around on you and make it about them, play the victim, and twist your words.
basically today everything climaxed (i hate that word), and shit hit the fan. we were honestly screaming at each other, it was ridiculous. now that we have both expressed that we want nothing to do with each other, it makes me feel a lot better. like, i would honestly not blink if this person died, that's how much i detest them.

anyway, i'm hoping that i can hit 125 this week. i think becoming a pescatarian has helped me not pack on the pounds while eating like a 500 lb man. tomorrow is 2 weeks with no meat, very proud of myself. i also treated myself and got a pedicure, nails filled and eyebrows done. the women in there were so nice, they're always nice actually.

these past few days have been crazy and drama filled. it's affected me physically as i have 3 fucking huge zits on my face. and not the whitehead kind, the kind that's waaaaaaaaay under the skin and fucking HUGE and red as hell. i think the extra huge one is actually two zits combined. i ordered a clarisonic the other day. supposedly they really help with the little blackheads in the chin and such, and i hate exfoliating my face with grainy products and haven't done it in probably... years. i'll let ya'll know how it works when i get it. i got this one in blue.

anyway, that's enough babble for me. thank you everyone for the positive comments, you are all amazing and i really don't know what i would do without my blogging friends around the world. i mean that, seriously. all 31 of you, i am really flattered that that many people would give a shit enough to even follow me, wow!

time to get high and wander off

angry angry angry

so yesterday i had a job interview at the mall that was given to me by my lesbian friend from class. then after that i went shopping and spent $368 (wtffF) on my credit card. i bought 3 pairs of lucky jeans (size 4, tight, using them as a "goal weight prize") that were $30 off each pair, 2 beaded bracelets from lucky, a striped hoodie and a green long cardigan thing from forever 21, and some bare minerals makeup from sephora. i usually wouldn't spend that much money on jeans, but i have a credit card, and with the discount they were... fairly cheap?

my friend and i went outside to smoke, and there were two younger guys who are employees of clear smoking too. my friend had to go back to work (we were supposed to smoke a j, but i left my papers at home. so we hit her little bowl only once and she decided to go back to work) so i decided to park myself by them and smoke my ciggy. things led to another and i got one guys number and we were supposed to smoke last night. BUT i didn't want to hang out with a bunch of random guys alone, and my wing girl wasn't going to be home that night, so i made up some lame excuse and told him i couldn't chill and that i would contact him again. which i will. i just smoke and ate toooo much yesterday. i couldn't even suck in my gut, i didn't want to go anywhere.

which leads me to the title of my post- i have gained THREE lbs this weekend!!!! oh my fucking god i'm so angry at myself. i knew what i was doing. i'm just fucking lazy and fat and i have no fucking self control. so i'm going to (liquid) fast for 3 days at least. if anyone would like to join me, please let me know, i could really use the help. at least i haven't eaten meat in 6 days, that has to count for something. i have to lose 10 lbs as soon as possible. which means i need to start exercising regularly... god i've been slacking too fucking much. i'm getting comfortable with 130 lbs. and need to kick myself in the ass and get down to 118, my ultimate goal.

;aksjfkl;asjf;lajfkl;ajf i also have done none of my fucking homework that was due LAST WEEK.
i fucking suck at life.

9/5/10

so... i don't even want to think about how much food i ate last night and the night before. it wasn't even real food, i just got high and raided the gas station aisles. sunflower seeds, gummy krabby patties, laffy taffy, pretzel m&ms, peanut m&ms, and even COKE! i have never even drank coke like that (i was obsessed with mt. dew though...) so you get the idea. i do well all day and then hung out with one of my lesbian stoner buddies, get the munchies (har har) and i have to chow down on sweet shit. when i'm high by myself, it's okay. like today i've only had 2 cups of unsweetened almond milk.
so i'm going to the gym today, and i'm going to force myself onto the treadmill. the elliptical is soooo boring for me now. i'm also going to lift, because i love the feeling the next day. makes me feel like i accomplished something, even when i pig out on hundreds of grams of sugar.

so last night i got my ex to smoke pot for the first time. i won't tell you my half of the bargain, but anyway. we had amazing high sex (possibly the best in the years that we had been together) and then he started bugging. i made him sign a contract to not start bugging, but he did. he kept saying how time was going by soooo slow (has anyone seen the video of the cop and his wife who smoke weed, then freak out and call the police? they talk about how time is going by so slow) and he just wanted it to end. and he ended up throwing up. but i did get an amazing blackmail video of him while high. that's definitely the last time i smoke with a newbie smoker.

anyway, off to force myself to go to the gym and not eat anything today. bai <3

little rock

little rock- for some dumbass reason i can NEVER post on your wall, which is really annoying, but i just want you to know that i am praying for you!! please stay safe and just imagine what a crazy story you'll have to tell when this all blows over!!!

9/2/10

I was feeling... especially emo earlier. But I'm alright now because I have more important things to worry about, like the fact that I had homework due 20 minutes ago and I haven't even started reading what I'm supposed to be writing about. I can't even complete homework on the first week of class, nice.

In other news, I decided (for about the 3rd time) that I would really like to become a vegetarian. My best friend is vegetarian, and the other day when I was driving home I saw a pig truck. There were little ears and snouts hanging out of the grated walls, and unfortunately I had to pass it twice. Plus, I just want to stop eating meat, less calories to count.
I did go grocery shopping today at a Whole Foods type place. I spent $65 on a lot of shit (no meat! but yes, faux meat). I was there forever, going down every aisle and scrutinizing the calorie count, sugar grams, fat grams, and serving sizes on everything I was considering, which is what I do every shopping trip. If it's not in my apartment, I can't eat it right? Although somehow I always find a way to pig out.
Anyway, I've been pretty good about not eating out lately, because:
1) I'm broke as shit, and
2) it's hard to assume calorie counts of food that wasn't made yourself (which you all know)

I am not eating food today, I've had two cups of Carnation Instant Breakfast (300 calories), an iced tea from DD with 3 Splendas, and a cup of unsweetened almond milk with 2 Splendas (40 cal). And 4 ciggies. :( I don't really want to start smoking for real, but it really helps with the appetite (placebo?) and gets me buzzed. And I didn't go to the gym today!!! Ahhhh, I did go yesterday though, only for an hour. :( 30 mins on the elliptical on 7 and 30 mins weight lifting. My arms and legs are sore as shit.

bleh

i don't think i'll ever be 118

that's me by the way

OMG

I was brainstorming what to write, and then got a paper cut on my NIPPLE, WTF?!?! I just got out of the shower so yes, I am strolling around nude, and had some reading I have to do for homework hanging on my table. I went to scoot up to type, and sliced my poor nipple, owww. :(

In other news, I have ingested a medium iced tea with 4 splendas, a cup of fat free milk with carnation instant breakfast (150 calories), water, and a cup of almond milk. I was flipping crazy over almond milk for 15 minutes, until I found out that each serving has 15 GRAMS OF SUGAR!! Sugar is one thing that I will not allow myself to eat, and seeing that much in one cup is just ridiculous to me. So, after I finish this half gallon I'm done with almond milk, unless they create a sugar free version.

I got my nails done today, acrylic with uv nail gel; my ex actually paid for them :-x. And I hate them! I didn't realize that the gel nails were painted on, and the woman left the white part really short so now my fingers look stubby. It's my fault because I didn't say anything, so I'll just fix it when I get them filled.

Anyway, I have reading to do for class tomorrow, soooo ttyl <33

8/31/10

edit: I JUST REMEMBERED IT'S BAR NIGHT!!!! woooooo hoooooooooooooooooo!

I haven't updated in forever, because I suck at life and I haven't been counting my calories like I should. I'm back up to 130.4!! I was fasting yesterday until I got really high at night; instead of going to the gym like I should have, I ate. At least 600 calories worth. So my PLAN for today is liquid fast (coffee, water, ciggies, weed- plus I'm broke, always a good time to fast) and the GYM later. I'm so fking scared to go to the gym. The last time I went was days ago. Since school's back in session it's always packed, but I'm luckily enough to go to a huge college that just opened up another gym that's HUGE and filled with NEW EQUIPMENT!!! So I'm going there later or I'm going to... I dunno, do something dangerous.

In other news, HOW DO I MAKE MY BLOG BEAUTIFUL??? It's so fugly I want to cry. Everyone else has sub-pages and beautiful layouts; I googled layouts for blogspot and even after reading the instructions, I still had no idea how to install them. :( I also don't know the best way to comment on comments- do I comment on my post they commented on, on their latest post, or mention them on my next blog? Everyone does something totally different, and I don't know how to make it notify me when someone comments on their blog that I commented on, so I end up forgetting. :( I read everyone's blog I'm subscribed to, but I never comment because I'm not sure on the protocol!

My ex is not acting emo anymore, thank God. We've actually been hooking up... a lot. And it seems even better than when we were a couple. I know this is just stringing him along. When I find a new guy (and trust me, I've been scoping them out on campus. I haven't seen too many in my classes so far, though. :( I'm honestly looking for a girl, although I've never been with a girl and don't even know how to turn on my game around a girl, haha) he's going to be pissed and upset, and everything is going to hit him at once. But why should I create tension in my apartment? I'll deal with that bullshit when it comes.

Anyway, I don't have class until 2. I could go to the gym and come back with plenty of time to get ready. But I'm lazy. :( Did I lose my appeal for the gym? I don't want to shower, get ready, go to my one class today, go home, go to the gym, and shower again. Yes, I hate showering twice in one day because of my hair. While I love my hair very very much (I think it's my best feature) I can't stand dealing with it when I have no place to go, but I'm always worried someone will call and want to do something, but I'll look like shit. As seen, I worry too much about trivial shit.

I'm going to respond to some comments now, and wallow in my self-loathing until I can take my fatass to the gym.

PS- I love ya'll.
PPS- little rock, did you get my comment on your post? I don't know if you have them set to be approved or if it just didn't post. :-/

8/27/10 *updated*

127.6... wtf

in other news, my boyfriend who i'm taking a break with came back last night, i haven't seen him in over a week in a half. he thought we were just taking a break then getting back together, but i told him that's not what i want. i want to be single. so then he's like, "oh, you don't love me anymore. we can't be in an open relationship and act like we're still together" which i agree with, but we're both on the lease and he won't let me leave but on the other hand he won't leave, so we're going to have to fucking live together. i've been heart broken and it sucks. i'm not trying to deal with some emo person bringing me down just because of how i feel. and living with him isn't going to make it easier for him to get over me, we need to be completely apart. and i know he's going to want to have sex, no matter how hard he says he doesn't want to (aunt flo was here last night), and that's just going to slow down his healing process even longer.

i've been in his situation so many times. i don't want to hurt him, because we've spent over 3.5 years together and he is a GREAT guy. seriously, it's me, not him. but at the same time, i need to find myself and what i want, because these past few years have been strictly me and him. i never thought about any other guys. so maybe i don't love him anymore because i have been with 2 guys after our break? i don't know how i feel. and i can't sort out my thoughts because i have to live with him. luckily/unluckily school starts monday and hopefully i can make some new friends and get out of this fucking apartment.

grrrr i know there are people out there with worse problems, and i'm so lucky that i'm not on the other end of the heartache stick, so why can't i get this shitty feeling out of myself? i feel like a piece of shit. everyone gets their heart broken, and he hasn't. he has to experience heart ache, i'm just sorry it has to be me. :( i can see how upset he is and it breaks my heart. but losing weight has realized that i need to live for ME; not others. i mean i've been with this guy since i was 17, things need to change.

a;skjfaklfjl;ajoiwadjmkjsf;kjas;fkjas

and i think it's worth mentioning that i love blogging. it's not even about weight loss, it's about every fucking thing that i obsess about in my head and end up going crazy about. some of the shit i think and brood on i can't tell anyone i know in real life, so posting online helps, a lot. i've always advocated writing down exactly how one feels when they're upset; it helps get thoughts out of one's head and onto paper, but of course i'm sure everyone knows this.
but reading other's blogs helps me realize that i'm not the only one who has these crazy emotions and it helps me not drive myself crazy.
basically, i think blogging has helped me not go crazy. and i feel like with classes starting it's only going to get crazier.

ps- i love all of you and don't stop blogging or i'll be sad :(

*update- now he's treating me like shit. he doesn't want me to go to the theme park sunday with his family, and he said since I want to be single he's going to treat me like i'm single. guys are so fucked up. one second you love me, and the next second you treat me like a dog. like i can understand he's upset, but you don't need to treat ME like shit. why am i doing all the crying when i'm the one who wants to be single??? wtf

back from the gym

just got back from the gym, and i'm pretty disappointed in myself. i don't know if it's because i haven't been to the gym in a week in a half, or the fact that i haven't eaten yesterday or today, or the fact that i got 4 hours of sleep, or the fact that i'm a fatass, but i was NOT able to stay on the elliptical today. i usually have the intensity on 7, but that was kicking my ass. i was sweating so hard and it was just sooo difficult for me to do. i did about 8 minutes on level 7 and then i kept the intensity on 4 and did only 30 mins total, which was about 2.5 miles.

then my friend met up with me and we lifted for 45 mins. i told her about how i was so exhausted and she immediately asked if i had eaten today, and earlier she mentioned that it's good that i'm losing weight, as long as i'm losing it the "safe" way. so then i proceeded to mention how i never eat breakfast ever, but i definitely didn't mention about how i didn't eat yesterday.

anyway, i'm about to smoke and shower, and most likely take a nap because i am SPENT. and not in the good, after sex way. sex would be nice though.

oh i'm planning on not eating today. any positive encouragement would be greatly appreciated. :)

reverse thinspo:

ooh just read the article:
Kansas City woman Carolyn Ragan sadly discovered she had a tumor, not great news for anyone, but what happened next is quite unique.

Ragan isn’t exactly anything we’d call small: her 5 foot stature is complimented with 275 pounds around her waist, and that means that even the most modern tech may not cater for her.

Regan claims she was told by her local hospital to go the zoo to have a MRI because a regular MRI machine could not hold her weight. According to FoxNews: “he suggested the Kansas City Zoo,” Ragan said. “I thought, I know I’m big, but I’m not as big as an elephant. And my husband got mad.”

According to experts, her problem was two fold: she was too heavy for the table, and too wide to fit through the slot.

can't sleep

5:35 AM. can't sleep. drank too much coffee on the drive up. i'm smoking a bowl hoping that it will help me fall asleep. and i don't have my contacts in so i'm squinting and it sucks.

luckily though, i didn't eat anything today :) just consumed iced coffee, tobacco, and mary jane. although i had to make one of my coffees with whole milk. after switching to fat free milk, whole milk is flipping gross. too thick!

one good thing came out of being stood up last night- more motivation to reach my goal weight. i'm hitting the gym tomorrow for the first time in a week in a half. i'm excited to go and i'm going to start writing down what i lift so that i can document my progress.
anyway, i'm going to try to fall asleep again, it will likely be impossible, but i'm gonna try
ps- my stomach won't shut the hell up

8/25/10

wow. this is really embarrassing... but i got stood up last night. i'm so shocked. i mean i don't think i'm hot shit or anything but... i really hate being ignored. especially by a guy who i straight up told him from the start that I DONT LIVE HERE, so there's no point for me to give you my number or to take things further than a one night stand. but he was like nooo i like you, you can come visit at christmas time, so i was like w/e you're sexy, okay. but apparently, i am TOO CLINGY! even though i didn't even want to give him my number, and he was texting me, and he asked ME to come see him. oh my god i am so confused and don't understand what goes through a guy's head sometimes. and i'm not even kidding about me not being clingy, that's why i'm so baffled.

but i talked to his room mate about it, we smoked (no naughty intentions on my part) and he kept telling me how it's his loss and he doesn't understand blah blah me either.

anyway! onto better news... i'm down to 125.6??? i haven't been chowing down the past few days, but i definitely haven't been keeping track of what i eat. i am into these size 4 shorties from american eagle, and they fit really well. love handles aren't too disgusting today. i just can't wait to get back to the GYM! i think i'm going back to school today after i post this, it's a 12 hour drive and i smoked mids so i'm probably gonna get sleepy, but i think cigarettes, loud music, and lots and lots of coffee will help me out. :)

anyway, thanks for reading and post some encouragement for my drive so i can check on my ipod during gas stops. :)

8/24/10

I haven't been checking my weight; I left my scale in my car, that's at a friend's house, because my mom thinks I flew home but I actually drove. And I'm feeling kinda emo because I'm going to have to go back to school either tomorrow or the next day, and it's such a looooooooooong drive (10+ hours). By myself. It was a good idea when I was homesick, but now I don't want to leave. :(

Especially after meeting the guy who I hooked up with a few days ago, we'll call him Kyle. We were sexting last night and I'm going to go to his place tonight and stay there, even though it's like 2 hours out of my way and will add that time to my total driving hours, grrr!! He said he would be a good host, and Aunt Flo isn't here yet, so if you read this Flo, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!! at least for 2 more days, please? :)

so i've been updating my NEW iPod touch i got yesterday, it wasn't working before because i was using my old ass first generation ipod nano usb cord. but now, it's working (fingers crossed). i was really tempted to buy an ipad, but i have no idea wtf i would use it for. anyway, i'm gonna go wash some clothes and start packing, and day dream about tonight :)

ohhh mai gawddd

i am SO FUCKING IRRITABLE right now. my boyfriend i'm taking a break with is pissing me off. my mom who i'm visiting is pissing me off. my life is pissing me off. i think it might have to do with being REALLY EFFING BORED. i love my mom and all, but you can't really chill with your mom, and all of my friends have moved and don't live around here anymore. except one friend who wants to hang out, but she wants to go out somewhere and i would rather just chill.

anyway, i hooked up with this guy, not last night but the night before. we went to this party and then came home and hung out. he was really into kissing and cuddling and doing things that couples, and not hook ups, usually do. but it was okay because he's really cute. :) he kept telling me to stay and come visit again in a few days, and when i'm home for christmas vacation. then i tried to stay and he blew me off to hang out with his friends? i don't know what was up with that, i asked and he said i kept talking about going home so he figured i wasn't going to stay, so he made plans. maybe i will go visit him again before i go back to school, even though it's a few hours out of the way.

although i'm done with my birth control pills and this is the sugar pill week, so aunt flo will probably ruin things. that and he has a small one! :-x ugh, sorry guys or any girls with boyfriends who have small ones, but that is a total turn off for me!! i didn't even want anything to do with it once i felt how small it was! it kept falling out, etc. but you don't need to know details. hopefully when i text him he'll be down to hang again. i'm not really afraid of rejection, but it still stings a little.

ps- i'm not feeling as irritable now. let's see how long this lasts.

grrrr

so ever since i went home, i have been eating like a total fatass and NOT exercising, and it's really getting to me! yesterday i wasn't going to eat, but then me and some people got high, and i ate. we smoked on this dock at night on the ocean, and a dolphin came up and was saying hello and blowing through his blow hole at us. so today i think i need to jog. it's extremely hot here but i can't stand eating like a fatass and not exercising. i'm blaming my gym because they're closed, but it's really my fault because i'm fat and lazy.

i met a guy yesterday, i turned up the charm and he's definitely interested in seeing me tonight. i was going to leave today, but i might stay for this party he asked me to stay for and see what happens. i mean, i am single :) i don't really want to drink because i usually get sick, but i haven't gotten legit drunk and hooked up with someone in a long time (the other guy recently doesn't count, i see him often and this dude i'm seeing tonight i'll probably never see again). maybe it's slutty, but it's nice to know that someone else is physically attracted to you, and hopefully he has a nice package :D

anyway, i think i'm going to roll up a jay and smoke, and debate going for a jog. if you read this, please guilt trip me into jogging!

8/17/10

today was... interesting.

but first:
yesterday was spent on the road. like legit from 11 am to 10 pm i was in my car. driving. living on iced coffee, marlboro lights, and vitamin water. i didn't eat anything, and when i woke up this morning my weight was at 128.6 lbs. anyway, normal morning, whatever

then my friend and i decide that we were going to take some acid, and suffice to say, today was pretty interesting.

i suck at life

sooo i was planning on fasting for 3 days, day one goes by just fine. then TODAY, day 2, i decide to go clothes shopping (my jeans were too loose). so i go into my favorite jean store (american eagle) and i'm down to a size 4 in jeans, and a size 2 in skirts (i guess my fat thighs are too fat for size 2 jeans)!

then i went to my favorite restaurant (NOT fast food) and ate lunch there. by myself. i wish i didn't break my fast, but bleh. gym is closed so i'm going to the track and work on my jogging for an hour... which i also suck at.

grrrr!!

so, someone who is supposed to be one of my "best friends" is a total fucking jealous bitch! she is and has been (unsuccessfully) trying to lose weight ever since i have, and even talked shit and laughed at me when i first decided i wanted to lose weight. so now every time i mention the gym to her or something similar, she ALWAYS decides to mention my lack of a job. i don't know if it's to make herself feel better, or make me feel worse. i mean i care about not having a job, but not really because everything my parents have ever asked from me i have done, but that's another story.

what really pisses me off is the fact that someone who is supposed to be a "best friend" is such a fucking bitch! and it's been like this forever! she is a habitual liar and lies about anything and everything, along with talking shit about me and others behind our backs and she is just REALLY FUCKING DUMB!

and i know i should get her out of my life, etc etc, but we have been friends forever. she is really fun in person, but i don't think i can handle her trying to bring me down all the time!! i need fucking motivation, not to be guilt tripped by someone who:
1) doesn't financially support me (therefore has no room to talk about my lack of a job), and
2) likes to bring others down (i mean i do this too, but only about fat strangers and NEVER to anyone's face! i could never hurt someone's feelings intentionally... especially one of my "best friends", like she does!)

anyway, i just got back from the gym (3 mile on elliptical intensity on 7, 1 mile jogging, and 30 mins lifting, not much but i have to do some errands today) to get rid of some anxiety, and when i get back i have to be berated by some 200 lb. bitch.

UGH SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!! bowl & shower time

8/12/10

down to 129.8! not very low by other people's standards, but being a former fatass, it really means a lot to me! all the exercising i have been doing is starting to show, even though i'm hungover to hell and am NOT exercising today, sorry body!

last night was fun, and a reminder as to why i would rather get high than drunk. no one wants to sleep with me when i'm about to puke, and praying to god i don't hurl while trying to fall asleep is the worst. i did end up hurling before i got home actually, and drinking on an empty stomach is no bueno. anyway, we shall see how today goes, bye! :)

8/10/10

So, yesterday's gym visit went well, 5.3 miles on the elliptical with the intensity to 7 (previously on 6) and an hour of weightlifting on the machines, 3 sets @ 15 reps each. My body is killing me and my stomach is yelling at me, but after eating baked sweet potato fries (22 fries @ 170 calories) and a PB&J sandwich (180 cal. in the bread, don't even want to think about how much PB&J I used) last night, I kinda feel like this:
I'm up to 134.4 this morning, bleh.

Anyway, have to leave my apartment today, hopefully coming back tomorrow to go out with some friends. Maybe I can get trashed and drunk-dial "the other guy". OMG I feel like such a ho. Is it even drunk-dialing if you plan it in advance?

Edit: hitting the gym at 10:30 AM, this is a new record for me! I PLAN on doing an hour on the elliptical and I really really wanna do another half hour on the treadmill (my legs are still killing me from jogging, which means I'm making progress). I wanna wear a super slutty costume this Halloween!! Anyway, off to the gym I go.

8/9/10

So I decided that I need to add something else to my daily physical activity, and I've decided upon jogging and yoga. Right now I'm doing an hour on the elliptical and an hour of weight lifting on M,W,F and just the elliptical on Tu & Thur and nothing on the weekends (gym's closed).
I'm gonna change it up and do an hour of lifting, an hour on the elliptical, and an hour of yoga (flexibility purposes) on M,W,F and I'll do an hour of jogging (I'm guessing 4 miles? I haven't counted the laps yet) and an hour of yoga on Tu, Thur, Sat & Sun.
Adding the jogging is going to be hard at first (I've only gone twice so far and my legs are so sore), eventually I'll get much better at it, and I am patiently awaiting that day! Plus, my legs are going to look better, and right now my ass is really flat and jogging can change that!

8/3/10

Just got home from the gym, the typical 5.2 miles/1 hour with the intensity on 6. I was watching TV on the elliptical next to me (mine didn't have closed-captioning, and I wasn't about to stop listening to my iPod) when this fat biatch comes along, turns off the closest two elliptical TVs (mind you, I was watching the first) and then plops herself on the THIRD elliptical down from mine. Normally I wouldn't be so hateful and respect all large people at the gym, but her turning off the TV made me mad, considering I was blatantly watching! So I have 10 minutes left in my first half hour (the machines only let you do 30 mins at a time, so I usually get off after the first 30, stretch, and then do the last thirty), so I told myself that I would just turn the TV back on in 10 minutes... UNTIL ANOTHER GIRL COMES UP AND STARTS USING THAT ELLIPTICAL! Sad to say, I just turned on my TV and tried my best to read lips.

After my fun fun fun hour at the gym (no lifting today- did that last night) I stopped at a local coffee place to get an iced coffee and maybe something to eat. I then changed my mind and got a tea, and tried to get an eggwhite flatbread (290 calories, they say). I didn't really want to eat, but I don't like not eating after exercise because it doesn't seem healthy for the body. Luckily for me, this is a piece of crap place that is always out of something or has broken equipment... was out of EGGWHITES! The lady tried to convince me to get another flatbread, but I figured that this was a sign to just go home and drink some carnation instant breakfast. Which is what I am going to do after I smoke this bowl. The best bowls are after gym bowls!
Nothing more rewarding than the satisfaction of knowing that you earned it, and will never look like the bitch who turned off my TV, EFF YOU!

So I suppose I won't eat too much today, considering it's bar night. Annnnnd... I need to shower!
PEACE!

8/2/10

I can't get this other guy off of my mind and it's driving me nuts! I had a long conversation with my best friend last night, and turns out he has been having the same feelings about his boyfriend as I am having about mine. This is really reassuring because I feel like my friend and I are on the same page, and at least SOMEONE understands. He has been in practically the same situation in the past, and he ended up getting hurt.
The other guy and I spent hours talking about what would happen if we did hook up, and he made sure to let me know that I was very likely to get hurt, because he has no emotional attraction to me whatsoever.

Which is fine, because I wasn't sure if it was just some type of phase I was going through, and maybe after it happened I would totally regret it and come running back to my boyfriend. But! that didn't happen... so now I'm wondering, "do I really want to be in a relationship with my boyfriend?" If I can cheat on him and not feel remorse, what does that mean? I don't feel like I'm a huge slut; it's not like I cheated on him with multiple guys. Just this one guy, who I have had feelings for, but I didn't think they were real, I thought I was just experiencing lust. But now I feel like the feelings are there and there's nothing I can do to stop them. I deleted his number so I can't call him. I tell myself over and over I won't contact him but I usually do, over something stupid. So I'll just wait... hopefully I will hear from him soon. It's probably for the best if I don't though!

Sigh... weak minded humans and their emotions and desires are so stupid...

Fasting starts today.

After fasting last week for 6 days, I had to break my fast because I was unavoidably surrounded by family. I'm down to 133.2 right now, and hopefully I can fast long enough to get down to at least 125, which hopefully won't take too long. I can't wait to get a french manicure and a pedicure, but those are my 125 lb. goal prizes. For 120 lb, I'm going to reward myself with a new netbook computer for when the semester starts.

As far as personal life goes, it's going decently, but at the same time pretty shittily. I'm out of weed and so is the friend I get it from. I hung out with the other guy, but unfortunately his friend was there so nothing happened. I'm facing a lot of internal conflict lately between my boyfriend and myself.
I mean my boyfriend is awesome, he does have his flaws like everyone else, but overall he is a great guy and he does treat me right. HOWEVER! we have been together for literally YEARS and sometimes another guy can feel "stale". I'm the type of person who loves guys, and it was easy to be faithful for the first few years, but there is something about this other guy that just gets to me.

Which is why we fucked the other day.
It was a long time coming, and our relationship has been filled with sexual tension. Because of my non-single status, it took a while for the time to come, and after lots of wrestling, pinching and playing around, we finally hooked up. We had come close the night before, but it didn't happen. Overall the experience was decent, there were some factors beyond my control that pissed me off, but oh well.
I'm hoping he'll want to do it again, but I can never be sure with this guy. He is so confusing and I know he doesn't want to be in any type of emotional relationship, which is fine, but I would really like to be cut buddies with him! I love his body and his skin is soooo smooth. His dick is perfectly thick and he treats my breasts like no other. *daydreams* siiiiiiiiiiiigh I need to go to the gym and sort my mind out.

C yaaaaaa!