So, here I am again after a 6 month hiatus. I don't know about everyone else, but I have found that I come to Blogger when I am at a point in my life where I am confused, I need guidance, or my heart is hurting. When I originally started my blog, I was confused as to what I wanted from my relationship with my boyfriend. All that got ironed out eventually (I feel 100% better about it all and I couldn't say that if I didn't have my blog and all of my blogging friends). But now, I have come to another transitional point in my life: I have graduated college and have been thrown into the "real world".
But that isn't even my real problem, the problem is my weight. I haven't been to the gym in TWO MONTHS. I haven't gained that much (I don't have a scale but my clothes are still fitting) but I feel flabby and gross. I've been eating out more (we have recently moved about 8 hours away) and have been making excuses for not going to the gym. But I think the REAL thing that opened my eyes was a nightmare I had last night. In my nightmare I weighed 220 lbs. and had a FUPA (fat upper p*ssy area). I woke up under the impression that I was really that fat. But I wasn't, thank God.
I don't really have anything substantial to say today, but if you have a Twitter please let me know the link to it. I am still really confused about Twitter, but I opened one today and need to follow more people.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
2/12/2011
Yesterday's liquid fast was successful. After eating like a pig all week, I end the week lighter than before my week long piggie-fest. I might liquid fast again today but I'm not putting anything in stone. I just wanna be in the 120s again :(
As far as my boyfriend goes, I caught him in another lie. He said he only looked at it occasionally, but then the truth comes out that he's looking at it "2-3 times a week", which I'm sure is an underestimate.
Bekka said: "Why don't you like him looking at porn? Maybe if you explained to him why, instead of just accusing and getting mad, it would help him understand and possibly stop. I personally don't care if my bf looks, but I know if he and I ever have problems, we try to help each other get inside out heads, so we can understand each other better."
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 years now and he knows exactly why I don't like porn, we have been through this issue sooo many times. Honestly the porn issue takes a backseat to him lying to me, multiple times. We work through all issues and we get along very well, which is why I was so shocked that he would lie to me in such a way. And I wasn't accusing him- there was proof that he was looking at multiple sites, and he did eventually admit to looking at it, multiple times a week.
As far as my boyfriend goes, I caught him in another lie. He said he only looked at it occasionally, but then the truth comes out that he's looking at it "2-3 times a week", which I'm sure is an underestimate.
Bekka said: "Why don't you like him looking at porn? Maybe if you explained to him why, instead of just accusing and getting mad, it would help him understand and possibly stop. I personally don't care if my bf looks, but I know if he and I ever have problems, we try to help each other get inside out heads, so we can understand each other better."
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 years now and he knows exactly why I don't like porn, we have been through this issue sooo many times. Honestly the porn issue takes a backseat to him lying to me, multiple times. We work through all issues and we get along very well, which is why I was so shocked that he would lie to me in such a way. And I wasn't accusing him- there was proof that he was looking at multiple sites, and he did eventually admit to looking at it, multiple times a week.
Friday, February 11, 2011
fuming
am it the only person who doesn't like their boyfriend looking at porn?? right now i am fucking LIVID. i ask my boyfriend occasionally, "do you look at porn? i will be a little upset but i would much rather you tell me than lie to me". i've told him multiple times- whatever you do, just don't fucking lie to me. he swears "oh, i never look at porn! why would i look at porn when i have you?" and i knew he was lying, i can just tell. i mean he's a guy for God's sake. and of course i found out that he's... been looking at porn. and now, when he knows he's been caught in a lie, "oh i only do it occasionally when i'm really bored... i don't look at it every night or anything".
honestly, at this point i don't even give a shit about the porn. it's the fact that he has been LYING TO MY FACE for a long time... years. of course i knew deep down that he was lying, but i didn't want to make a big deal out of it and maybe, just a little, i believed him.
now i know i have my faults and i might be being a hypocrite here but i don't really care. i am so angry at this point i want to just break something. i'm so so so angry and hurt and upset and i feel betrayed.
if you think i'm crazy because i don't want my boyfriend looking at porn, then you're probably right. i don't really care though, i can't control how i feel and i can't control whether or not people lie to me but you're damn right i'm going to be beyond LIVID when i catch someone in a lie/swore to God/swore on everything.
Guys: don't lie to a woman. we can find out ANYTHING if we really want to.
honestly, at this point i don't even give a shit about the porn. it's the fact that he has been LYING TO MY FACE for a long time... years. of course i knew deep down that he was lying, but i didn't want to make a big deal out of it and maybe, just a little, i believed him.
now i know i have my faults and i might be being a hypocrite here but i don't really care. i am so angry at this point i want to just break something. i'm so so so angry and hurt and upset and i feel betrayed.
if you think i'm crazy because i don't want my boyfriend looking at porn, then you're probably right. i don't really care though, i can't control how i feel and i can't control whether or not people lie to me but you're damn right i'm going to be beyond LIVID when i catch someone in a lie/swore to God/swore on everything.
Guys: don't lie to a woman. we can find out ANYTHING if we really want to.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
1/29/11 *fast day #2- 2.2 lb loss*
yesterday's (1/28) liquid fast went great. i had 450 cals. in the form of milk and carnation instant breakfast. i woke up this morning weighing 2.2 pounds less than i did yesterday. i have a lot of errands to run today so hopefully i can fast again today.
i just realized that this post sounds like it was written by a 5 year old. but i don't care because i just woke up.
i just realized that this post sounds like it was written by a 5 year old. but i don't care because i just woke up.
Friday, January 28, 2011
1/28/11 *new gym log*
so I have been a good girl lately. i haven't binged in a while and i have been going to the gym (check gym log on the right). i have gained about 6 pounds since thanksgiving, and i have been gaining and losing 3 pounds since then... so obviously something needs to change. i need to keep off these three pounds then lose the other 3 i gained (i was maintaining 127 and now i'm at 133 as of this morning- i was trying to keep my current weight a secret but what the hell).
i need to lose as much as i can for a graduation ceremony i'm going to next weekend, and i have to be super sexy for my graduation in may. i'm not going to be a fatass for my OWN COLLEGE GRADUATION. i will have those pictures for the rest of my life and i don't want to look back and wonder, "why didn't i just try harder? why did i have to sabotage myself just so i could be lazy and shovel food down my throat?"
i've been taking those diet pills i bought, one at a time every time i need a pick me up (placebo effect?), but never close to bed time. i took two together for the first time a little while ago before i went to go shovel my car out of the snow, and now i feel weird. not bad, just different. the good thing about these caffeine pills is that they save me money since i don't have to spend money on starbucks.
i still haven't showered since i got back from the gym, so i'm gonna go do that now and then weight myself after my hair is dry. i haven't eaten today so hopefully i can make some progress. one thing that i hate is when i do weight machines i gain. so i guess i have to rely on measurements, but i can visually tell that my efforts are working, just gotta -keep swimming-
i need to lose as much as i can for a graduation ceremony i'm going to next weekend, and i have to be super sexy for my graduation in may. i'm not going to be a fatass for my OWN COLLEGE GRADUATION. i will have those pictures for the rest of my life and i don't want to look back and wonder, "why didn't i just try harder? why did i have to sabotage myself just so i could be lazy and shovel food down my throat?"
i've been taking those diet pills i bought, one at a time every time i need a pick me up (placebo effect?), but never close to bed time. i took two together for the first time a little while ago before i went to go shovel my car out of the snow, and now i feel weird. not bad, just different. the good thing about these caffeine pills is that they save me money since i don't have to spend money on starbucks.
i still haven't showered since i got back from the gym, so i'm gonna go do that now and then weight myself after my hair is dry. i haven't eaten today so hopefully i can make some progress. one thing that i hate is when i do weight machines i gain. so i guess i have to rely on measurements, but i can visually tell that my efforts are working, just gotta -keep swimming-
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
1/19/2011
so my sunday & monday liquid fast went spectacular. i ate yesterday afternoon because i was feeling nauseous (finally spelled that correctly on my own!) but kept it at 600 calories. i just got back from the gym and did:
2.33 (30 mins) miles on the treadmill (not as much as i wanted) and 3 weight machines (2 arm, 1 leg machine). today i had a bubble tea (BAD!) and i'm about to go tan and grab some paneer tikka masala, YUM! it's fairly low cal because it is just cottage cheese cubes and this tomato and onion sauce but it's sooo delicious. also lots of protein.
i haven't tried the diet pills yet because i haven't really had the urge to yet. i've been keeping myself full with water and no cal drinks and have avoided binging! although i did have 5 pickle slices last night, but they are 0 cals each- a guilty pleasure!
anyway, i'm off, tata for now my beautiful friends
2.33 (30 mins) miles on the treadmill (not as much as i wanted) and 3 weight machines (2 arm, 1 leg machine). today i had a bubble tea (BAD!) and i'm about to go tan and grab some paneer tikka masala, YUM! it's fairly low cal because it is just cottage cheese cubes and this tomato and onion sauce but it's sooo delicious. also lots of protein.
i haven't tried the diet pills yet because i haven't really had the urge to yet. i've been keeping myself full with water and no cal drinks and have avoided binging! although i did have 5 pickle slices last night, but they are 0 cals each- a guilty pleasure!
anyway, i'm off, tata for now my beautiful friends
Monday, January 17, 2011
attempt #2- liquid fast day #2 & goodies from GNC
okay so when I fasted a few days ago... i ended up binging and gaining it all back. BUT it is 11:34 pm on day two and i'm holding in strong. in the past 2 days i've dropped 4.2 pounds, but obviously some of that is from all the food i ate. i don't know whether i'm fasting tomorrow, i'm feeling nauseous when i move too quickly but we shall see...
tomorrow is when the semester starts and there is still snow on the ground from last week and now its snowing again. it's supposed to turn to sleet and such so i'm praying classes will be canceled tomorrow. if not, i will not be a happy camper trudging through the snow in flimsy, not-for-cold-weather rain boots (someone remind me to buy snow boots).
anyway, that's all i have to say for now. going to try to go to bed early... early bird gets the worm and all that jazz. plus i've been waking up between 1 and 2 pm too much lately.
ps- i stopped at GNC today and bought two things. the first being "hair, skin & nails formula". it has good reviews on the site and it's on sale so i bought them. my hair is super thick and longish, and i have acrylics on my nails, but my skin is terrible and could use all the help it can get.
i also, thanks to Elara's helpful and much appreciated advice, bought these green tea extract pills which also have caffeine in them. they have only one review and it's negative, so we shall see. but they were cheap too so not too much lost if they are not as effective as i would like them to be.
tomorrow is when the semester starts and there is still snow on the ground from last week and now its snowing again. it's supposed to turn to sleet and such so i'm praying classes will be canceled tomorrow. if not, i will not be a happy camper trudging through the snow in flimsy, not-for-cold-weather rain boots (someone remind me to buy snow boots).
anyway, that's all i have to say for now. going to try to go to bed early... early bird gets the worm and all that jazz. plus i've been waking up between 1 and 2 pm too much lately.
ps- i stopped at GNC today and bought two things. the first being "hair, skin & nails formula". it has good reviews on the site and it's on sale so i bought them. my hair is super thick and longish, and i have acrylics on my nails, but my skin is terrible and could use all the help it can get.
i also, thanks to Elara's helpful and much appreciated advice, bought these green tea extract pills which also have caffeine in them. they have only one review and it's negative, so we shall see. but they were cheap too so not too much lost if they are not as effective as i would like them to be.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
quick question
i'm looking to buy diet pills in the near future (tomorrow). i was looking before and saw some with no caffeine, i'm wondering if they would be as effective? i can handle espresso drinks but i don't want to have a terrible caffeine headache.
anyway, anyone have any diet pills that worked well for them? i'd rather have some recommendations instead of just going to gnc and finding something off the shelf there
anyway, anyone have any diet pills that worked well for them? i'd rather have some recommendations instead of just going to gnc and finding something off the shelf there
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
1/11/11, fast day #2, 5:35 pm
So today has been good. So far today I've had: 130 calories in the form of milk & breakfast drink mix. I also went to the gym and did 2.8 miles on the treadmill (I only jogged about .75 of that, the rest brisk walking... gotta work on this after my 1.5 month gym hiatus) and 3 weight machines, 3 sets of 15 reps each.
Yesterday the liquid fasting went well and I only had 300 calories (breakfast drink mix & milk x2). I'm going to liquid fast again today, although I want some food. I've made it to 5:35 pm and I can't give up now. I'm not hungry but my inner fat child is coming out and wants to just taste food since we went grocery shopping last night and there are so many delicious goodies in my kitchen calling my name.
I don't know when I'm going to break my fast, I guess whenever I get hungry. I thought I would have more problems at the gym today, but I like to think that everything I ate over break is more than making up for what I'm not eating now.
Woke up this morning with my weight exactly the same... I have weight to lose to get back to my weight before I got sick and THEN some to get to my goal weight. Lots of work ahead of me, but I need to work on that summer body NOW. You AND I need to both reach our goals so when we see exs or old friends they can be jealous of how good we look.
The only person in your way is YOU! Don't sabotage yourself! You worked too hard to get to this point to stuff your gullet!! (this is mainly directed towards me, but anyone else is free to heed my high ramblings)
Yesterday the liquid fasting went well and I only had 300 calories (breakfast drink mix & milk x2). I'm going to liquid fast again today, although I want some food. I've made it to 5:35 pm and I can't give up now. I'm not hungry but my inner fat child is coming out and wants to just taste food since we went grocery shopping last night and there are so many delicious goodies in my kitchen calling my name.
I don't know when I'm going to break my fast, I guess whenever I get hungry. I thought I would have more problems at the gym today, but I like to think that everything I ate over break is more than making up for what I'm not eating now.
Woke up this morning with my weight exactly the same... I have weight to lose to get back to my weight before I got sick and THEN some to get to my goal weight. Lots of work ahead of me, but I need to work on that summer body NOW. You AND I need to both reach our goals so when we see exs or old friends they can be jealous of how good we look.
The only person in your way is YOU! Don't sabotage yourself! You worked too hard to get to this point to stuff your gullet!! (this is mainly directed towards me, but anyone else is free to heed my high ramblings)
Monday, January 10, 2011
1/10/2011
FINALLY got back to my apartment and was able to make it back to the gym today (after over a month) and let me tell you... it was sooo difficult! I could BARELY jog a quarter of a mile. The sad thing was there was an ancient guy there on the treadmill, he had to be over 75 years old. If his old behind can do it... so can I!
But I didn't... and instead did a whole 1.88 miles. and only jogged about .75 of a mile of that. Then I did the seated leg press (45 reps of 230) and 3 arm machines. Liquids only today though, breakfast drink mix and milk and diet dr. pepper. We're grocery shopping today so I'll probably eat something tomorrow before the gym, or maybe liquids only and light exercise.
I'm gonna weigh tomorrow morning. I was sort of okay with today's weight. It was the weight I was before I went home for break.
Anyway, I'm gonna shower now and catch up on blogs later. I'm so happy to be back into a routine. I forgot who mentioned it, but someone I follow said that they are terrible without a routine. Looks like I'm the same way.
But I didn't... and instead did a whole 1.88 miles. and only jogged about .75 of a mile of that. Then I did the seated leg press (45 reps of 230) and 3 arm machines. Liquids only today though, breakfast drink mix and milk and diet dr. pepper. We're grocery shopping today so I'll probably eat something tomorrow before the gym, or maybe liquids only and light exercise.
I'm gonna weigh tomorrow morning. I was sort of okay with today's weight. It was the weight I was before I went home for break.
Anyway, I'm gonna shower now and catch up on blogs later. I'm so happy to be back into a routine. I forgot who mentioned it, but someone I follow said that they are terrible without a routine. Looks like I'm the same way.
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