yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
too bad i have an exam :(
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
FML
so fasting yesterday was going well until about 8:30 PM, when i jokingly suggested to my roommate/ex-bf/bf that we should go to his favorite restaurant. he jumped at the opportunity, and i stuffed myself stupid, having:
~10 fried green beans (wtf, fried green beans??? they're sooo good though!)
9 medium sized fried shrimp
~10 fried sweet potato fries
i hate eating fried shit. only because greasy stuff goes straight through my system and out... if you know what i mean. but i still ended up losing .8 of a pound, so blehhhh. i didn't end up going to the gym either last night, cuz by the time we got home they were closed already.
BUT, today i have fasted, the only calories i have had have been a fresh, 16 oz. strawberry & banana smoothie (i made sure to ask if they use sugar, they don't). i also went to the gym, but didn't do too much. :( i did exactly a mile on the treadmill (half jogging and half power walking with the incline on 8) and 25 minutes of weight lifting (leg press- 170 lbs., shoulder press- 30 lbs., pulldown- 60 lbs., and the machine where you sit down and pull the arm things back- 50 lbs.; 3 sets of 15 reps. each & some stretching).
hopefully tomorrow i will be down to 125, but every time i lift, i always seem to gain. :(
i also saw THAT guy THREE fucking times in the past two days. you know, the guy that i used to hang out with and smoke with almost everyday, developed non-mutual feelings for, had sex with, and now (on his accord) we never talk. we made (very) small talk and i hate how he's so fucking fake (nice to my face but blocking me off most of his facebook (i ended up deleting him) and never contacting me until he wants something). i try to act indifferent towards him and answer him in very short statements. i don't know what his issue is, but sometimes i wish he would just flat out tell me he never wants anything to do with me again. i keep holding out hope because we always go through these phases, where we will hang out everyday, not hang out for a while, and then start hanging out again. but now, since we had sex, i feel that he is really done with me, and i need to just accept that fact. but, it's really fucking hard when we go to school together, live very close to each other, and have the potential to pass each other often.
this just gives me more motivation to reach my goal weight. maybe he will start talking to me again if i do?
*sigh* i feel so pathetic, caring so much for this person who doesn't give two shits about me. i also feel that i am starting to obsess over my weight. when i eat i feel somewhat guilty, and i think of the food just sitting there in my stomach, the physical weight of it and the caloric weight of it causing me to gain weight. i don't like this new anxiety about eating and it's starting to scare me. i feel like the more weight i lose, the more fat i have. it's like the smaller my frame gets, the more the fat on my body sticks out more. i have noticed my upper arm fat is shrinking, but my thighs are always the same. i think my thighs will always be fat, no matter how much weight i lose. and i'm not just saying that, i really truly believe it, and my thighs prove it.
i'm really scared that i'll never be happy, even when i am at 118. i feel like 118 is a good number, then i see other people on blogger and other sites who are 118 but still consider themselves fat.
is 118 really fat? if 118 is fat, then 126 must be humongous.
and another reason i feel so distraught is because i really don't have friends up here. :( all my friends are at home, hundreds of miles away. i talk to them daily, but it's not the same. i'm the type of person who likes to go out on a whim, smoke blunts, gossip, and just have fun. i have my roomie/ex/bf, but i fucking live with him, and he doesn't really like to go out too much... at all really.
i obviously need other friends. the other guy was one of my few friends up here, but obviously that didn't work out. my other friend i haven't seen much lately, and the only other person i consider a "friend" (i wouldn't even go that far to call her a friend) is a fucking weirdo.
i have an exam tomorrow that i need to study for, and reading to do. please excuse my emo post.
~10 fried green beans (wtf, fried green beans??? they're sooo good though!)
9 medium sized fried shrimp
~10 fried sweet potato fries
i hate eating fried shit. only because greasy stuff goes straight through my system and out... if you know what i mean. but i still ended up losing .8 of a pound, so blehhhh. i didn't end up going to the gym either last night, cuz by the time we got home they were closed already.
BUT, today i have fasted, the only calories i have had have been a fresh, 16 oz. strawberry & banana smoothie (i made sure to ask if they use sugar, they don't). i also went to the gym, but didn't do too much. :( i did exactly a mile on the treadmill (half jogging and half power walking with the incline on 8) and 25 minutes of weight lifting (leg press- 170 lbs., shoulder press- 30 lbs., pulldown- 60 lbs., and the machine where you sit down and pull the arm things back- 50 lbs.; 3 sets of 15 reps. each & some stretching).
hopefully tomorrow i will be down to 125, but every time i lift, i always seem to gain. :(
i also saw THAT guy THREE fucking times in the past two days. you know, the guy that i used to hang out with and smoke with almost everyday, developed non-mutual feelings for, had sex with, and now (on his accord) we never talk. we made (very) small talk and i hate how he's so fucking fake (nice to my face but blocking me off most of his facebook (i ended up deleting him) and never contacting me until he wants something). i try to act indifferent towards him and answer him in very short statements. i don't know what his issue is, but sometimes i wish he would just flat out tell me he never wants anything to do with me again. i keep holding out hope because we always go through these phases, where we will hang out everyday, not hang out for a while, and then start hanging out again. but now, since we had sex, i feel that he is really done with me, and i need to just accept that fact. but, it's really fucking hard when we go to school together, live very close to each other, and have the potential to pass each other often.
this just gives me more motivation to reach my goal weight. maybe he will start talking to me again if i do?
*sigh* i feel so pathetic, caring so much for this person who doesn't give two shits about me. i also feel that i am starting to obsess over my weight. when i eat i feel somewhat guilty, and i think of the food just sitting there in my stomach, the physical weight of it and the caloric weight of it causing me to gain weight. i don't like this new anxiety about eating and it's starting to scare me. i feel like the more weight i lose, the more fat i have. it's like the smaller my frame gets, the more the fat on my body sticks out more. i have noticed my upper arm fat is shrinking, but my thighs are always the same. i think my thighs will always be fat, no matter how much weight i lose. and i'm not just saying that, i really truly believe it, and my thighs prove it.
i'm really scared that i'll never be happy, even when i am at 118. i feel like 118 is a good number, then i see other people on blogger and other sites who are 118 but still consider themselves fat.
is 118 really fat? if 118 is fat, then 126 must be humongous.
and another reason i feel so distraught is because i really don't have friends up here. :( all my friends are at home, hundreds of miles away. i talk to them daily, but it's not the same. i'm the type of person who likes to go out on a whim, smoke blunts, gossip, and just have fun. i have my roomie/ex/bf, but i fucking live with him, and he doesn't really like to go out too much... at all really.
i obviously need other friends. the other guy was one of my few friends up here, but obviously that didn't work out. my other friend i haven't seen much lately, and the only other person i consider a "friend" (i wouldn't even go that far to call her a friend) is a fucking weirdo.
i have an exam tomorrow that i need to study for, and reading to do. please excuse my emo post.
Monday, September 27, 2010
126.8
this is the lowest i can ever remember being. fasted all day yesterday (water & iced tea) and i am also fasting today. i'm not sure how long i'm going to fast for, i guess i'll just wing it.
i'm going to head to the gym after my night class and do some lifting and the treadmill. i'm not going to aim for 40 minutes because i haven't eaten in two days, but i'll try to do a sensible amount. if anything, i'll just turn up the incline and walk for a little.
i'm curious to see what i weigh tomorrow, 126.8 just isn't cutting it for me.
i'm going to head to the gym after my night class and do some lifting and the treadmill. i'm not going to aim for 40 minutes because i haven't eaten in two days, but i'll try to do a sensible amount. if anything, i'll just turn up the incline and walk for a little.
i'm curious to see what i weigh tomorrow, 126.8 just isn't cutting it for me.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
9/26/10
in my school's tech center place, iced tea with 4 splendas in hand. surprisingly, i have been to the gym lately:
thursday- treadmill (jog half a mile 0 incline, power walk half a mile with the incline on 6, repeat) 30 mins., 2.6 mi., 20 mins on a few weight machines
friday- treadmill (same as above) 30 mins., 2.6 mi., 20 mins on a few weight machines
today- treadmill (same as above) 40 mins., 3.2 mi.-- pushed it a little harder this time
so, this might not be a lot for most people, but for me it is a HUGE stepping stone. i remember when i could barely exercise on the elliptical for 5 minutes with no resistance, then i was doing an hour at a time on the elliptical with the resistance up. NOW i can actually jog and am slowly making progress.
could i possibly be out of this "no exercise while eating like a pig" stage? before recently, i hadn't gone to the gym in weeks. now i'm looking forward to going to the gym again. could these last ten pounds be coming off? shit, i really don't care about the number right now, i just want to be in size 2 jeans!
i'm also fasting today, 6 PM and so far so good. today i have only ingested: water, iced tea, weed, a fourth of a clove cigarette.
i also just went ahead and deleted that guy off facebook. he had me blocked from everything but his info tab. why not just delete me in the first place? guys are dumb. but i'm dumber because i let myself get into this situation, knowing very well what the consequences would be.
i think, deep down, a main reason i wanted to lose weight was to have sex with this guy (okay, maybe i wanted to be in a relationship with him- that obviously didn't work out. i guess i got the second best thing?); i got what i wanted, so why is it all so shitty now?
blehhhh i need to do this work. i'm so behind and i have a two page paper due tomorrow that i didn't know about! and yes, i realize two pages isn't very much, but it's more reading i have to do on top of the reading that i already had to do.
AHHHHH i'm kinda hungry. kind words to encourage my fast?
ilu all
thursday- treadmill (jog half a mile 0 incline, power walk half a mile with the incline on 6, repeat) 30 mins., 2.6 mi., 20 mins on a few weight machines
friday- treadmill (same as above) 30 mins., 2.6 mi., 20 mins on a few weight machines
today- treadmill (same as above) 40 mins., 3.2 mi.-- pushed it a little harder this time
so, this might not be a lot for most people, but for me it is a HUGE stepping stone. i remember when i could barely exercise on the elliptical for 5 minutes with no resistance, then i was doing an hour at a time on the elliptical with the resistance up. NOW i can actually jog and am slowly making progress.
could i possibly be out of this "no exercise while eating like a pig" stage? before recently, i hadn't gone to the gym in weeks. now i'm looking forward to going to the gym again. could these last ten pounds be coming off? shit, i really don't care about the number right now, i just want to be in size 2 jeans!
i'm also fasting today, 6 PM and so far so good. today i have only ingested: water, iced tea, weed, a fourth of a clove cigarette.
i also just went ahead and deleted that guy off facebook. he had me blocked from everything but his info tab. why not just delete me in the first place? guys are dumb. but i'm dumber because i let myself get into this situation, knowing very well what the consequences would be.
i think, deep down, a main reason i wanted to lose weight was to have sex with this guy (okay, maybe i wanted to be in a relationship with him- that obviously didn't work out. i guess i got the second best thing?); i got what i wanted, so why is it all so shitty now?
blehhhh i need to do this work. i'm so behind and i have a two page paper due tomorrow that i didn't know about! and yes, i realize two pages isn't very much, but it's more reading i have to do on top of the reading that i already had to do.
AHHHHH i'm kinda hungry. kind words to encourage my fast?
ilu all
Thursday, September 23, 2010
hmm... txting buddy?
i'm feeling especially emo. i don't know about ya'll, but i'm the type of person who listens to song lyrics and it's amazing how many songs are relate-able. i mean, songs are just poetry and i'm sure there's a few of us here who write poetry when we are upset. anyway, enough of the high ramblings.
i'm emo because me and the guy who i wrote my first ever post (him and my issues with weight loss were the two reasons i created this blog) don't even fucking talk anymore. he called me like over 2 weeks ago for weed, and he didn't even want to smoke he just wanted to buy it from me. but i pushed myself onto him and asked if he wanted to smoke, because we seriously used to smoke allllll the time, almost daily. despite having a boyfriend, i really fell for this guy. i never listened to my friend when he said this, but now i agree with him and feel, very very strongly, that straight guys and girls cannot be friends. one always falls for the other and ends up getting hurt in the end, same for friends with benefits. and that's exactly what fucking happened. and for months now i've thought about him daily and have had twinges of pain, but i had been able to ignore it for the most part. but right now i'm just listening to this song by trey songz:
And I wish we never did it
And I wish we never loved it
And I wish I never fell so deep in love with you and now it ain't no way we can be friends
The way it felt no fakin' it
Maybe we were movin' just a little too fast
But what we've done we can't take it back
Ain't no tellin' what we could have been
Ain't no tellin' what we could have been (no)
And if I knew it ends like this
I never would have kissed you cause I fell in love with you
We never would have kicked it
Girl now every things different
I've lost my own recoverin' my friend
and the words to this song are so true. it helps me feel better than i'm not the only person who has fucked someone and because of that fucked up the relationship. it just sucks because deep down i knew this would happen, and so did he. we ever talked about it when we were laying in bed together. he told me from the start he didn't have feelings for me like that and having sex was just a random hook up to him. well now we don't even fucking talk and this shit hurts.
what's even worse is that there's someone who loves me, but sometimes i feel like i don't give him the recognition he deserves. i mean yeah, outwardly i am the perfect gf, yeah i can be moody at times but my issues with this other guy seem non-existent to someone else, but in my head it's the constant personal conflict. and the guy even blocked me from his facebook wall? maybe he has a gf and doesn't want me to know about it? when we were in bed that night he mentioned that i would be upset if he got a gf and we were all smoking together in the future, and i told him i would be pissed but i wouldn't even want to meet her or hear about her. but then again maybe he just thinks i'm a stalker? i have no idea.
i think going back to the gym regularly would be a good idea. i don't know why, but i really just haven't been giving a shit about the gym lately. that would really help relieve some stress, and losing weight will make me happier again.
on that note, does anyone need a texting buddy? i need someone to talk to when i'm about to buy something really sugary on the way to class, give me the extra kick when i'm being lazy at the gym, or someone just to chat with. i'm in the us with verizon, not a TOTAL creeper... unless you want me to be ;) (lol, joke, i'm really not a creeper, just a really confused 21 year old)
i'm emo because me and the guy who i wrote my first ever post (him and my issues with weight loss were the two reasons i created this blog) don't even fucking talk anymore. he called me like over 2 weeks ago for weed, and he didn't even want to smoke he just wanted to buy it from me. but i pushed myself onto him and asked if he wanted to smoke, because we seriously used to smoke allllll the time, almost daily. despite having a boyfriend, i really fell for this guy. i never listened to my friend when he said this, but now i agree with him and feel, very very strongly, that straight guys and girls cannot be friends. one always falls for the other and ends up getting hurt in the end, same for friends with benefits. and that's exactly what fucking happened. and for months now i've thought about him daily and have had twinges of pain, but i had been able to ignore it for the most part. but right now i'm just listening to this song by trey songz:
And I wish we never did it
And I wish we never loved it
And I wish I never fell so deep in love with you and now it ain't no way we can be friends
The way it felt no fakin' it
Maybe we were movin' just a little too fast
But what we've done we can't take it back
Ain't no tellin' what we could have been
Ain't no tellin' what we could have been (no)
And if I knew it ends like this
I never would have kissed you cause I fell in love with you
We never would have kicked it
Girl now every things different
I've lost my own recoverin' my friend
and the words to this song are so true. it helps me feel better than i'm not the only person who has fucked someone and because of that fucked up the relationship. it just sucks because deep down i knew this would happen, and so did he. we ever talked about it when we were laying in bed together. he told me from the start he didn't have feelings for me like that and having sex was just a random hook up to him. well now we don't even fucking talk and this shit hurts.
what's even worse is that there's someone who loves me, but sometimes i feel like i don't give him the recognition he deserves. i mean yeah, outwardly i am the perfect gf, yeah i can be moody at times but my issues with this other guy seem non-existent to someone else, but in my head it's the constant personal conflict. and the guy even blocked me from his facebook wall? maybe he has a gf and doesn't want me to know about it? when we were in bed that night he mentioned that i would be upset if he got a gf and we were all smoking together in the future, and i told him i would be pissed but i wouldn't even want to meet her or hear about her. but then again maybe he just thinks i'm a stalker? i have no idea.
i think going back to the gym regularly would be a good idea. i don't know why, but i really just haven't been giving a shit about the gym lately. that would really help relieve some stress, and losing weight will make me happier again.
on that note, does anyone need a texting buddy? i need someone to talk to when i'm about to buy something really sugary on the way to class, give me the extra kick when i'm being lazy at the gym, or someone just to chat with. i'm in the us with verizon, not a TOTAL creeper... unless you want me to be ;) (lol, joke, i'm really not a creeper, just a really confused 21 year old)
Monday, September 20, 2010
hmm *went a lil pic crazy*
just got home from west virginia. first time i had been there, ever. the inhabitants i saw were pretty... interesting. honestly, it seems the negative stereotypes are accurate. every other person was either:
a) extremely, morbidly obese
b) extremely, amazingly fugly
c) I won't post to avoid offending anyone OR
d) any combination of the above.
i ate a LOT. all gas station favorites. hot fries especially.
yuuuum
a) extremely, morbidly obese
b) extremely, amazingly fugly
c) I won't post to avoid offending anyone OR
d) any combination of the above.
i ate a LOT. all gas station favorites. hot fries especially.
yuuuum
Thursday, September 16, 2010
something i forgot about last night...
there is something i learned the other night that i couldn't wait to blog about. i'm sure this is old news, but i had never heard of it. anyway, i went grocery shopping the other day and bought CALORIE FREE SALAD DRESSING!!!!!!! i was so amazed i couldn't contain myself. i also have croutons that are 5 calories each. but this doesn't matter considering that i am
FASTING TODAY!
no cheating, no carnation instant breakfast. i'm sticking to water and tea (with splenda please). i'm fasting with Skeleton Strong, and providing support for our friend wantt. anyone else who is fasting today, please let me know and offer us some encouragement.
disclaimer: illegal substances in the picture below please stop reading if you get offended illegal things (who am i kidding, right?)
in other news, here we have a picture of my today's (and most days) essentials (i am a little toasted right now, so just ignore this part if you want):
starting from the left and front row, we have the walden farms calorie free dressing, a bag of some dank weed, and a madagascar toy that came in my ex/bf/roomie's cereal box. second row we have sugar free gum from starbucks (2.5 cals each), my beautiful pink sharpstone grinder, a lighter, and lotion (i just got out of the shower, so i'm naked and pouring lotion all over my tone, hot, body... LOL don't i wish that was the case!!). Then we have the bong, water, hairbrush, and laptop. pretty interesting, i know.
FASTING TODAY!
no cheating, no carnation instant breakfast. i'm sticking to water and tea (with splenda please). i'm fasting with Skeleton Strong, and providing support for our friend wantt. anyone else who is fasting today, please let me know and offer us some encouragement.
disclaimer: illegal substances in the picture below please stop reading if you get offended illegal things (who am i kidding, right?)
in other news, here we have a picture of my today's (and most days) essentials (i am a little toasted right now, so just ignore this part if you want):
starting from the left and front row, we have the walden farms calorie free dressing, a bag of some dank weed, and a madagascar toy that came in my ex/bf/roomie's cereal box. second row we have sugar free gum from starbucks (2.5 cals each), my beautiful pink sharpstone grinder, a lighter, and lotion (i just got out of the shower, so i'm naked and pouring lotion all over my tone, hot, body... LOL don't i wish that was the case!!). Then we have the bong, water, hairbrush, and laptop. pretty interesting, i know.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
hmm
so, i haven't posted in a loooooong time, for mainly two reasons:
1) i kinda fell off the wagon. i haven't been to the gym in... two weeks *oh mai gawd* and i've been eating like a fatass... but today i weighed 129 lbs. in the past two days i haven't wanted to eat, which leads me to reason numero dos,
2) i've been dealing with so much fucking drama, with one person who i have dealt with drama before. i really wish i could tell you how much i hate and loathe this person, but it would honestly take me so fucking long. basically they are one of those types of people who has to have their nose in everything. they get involved and then get pissed when someone says something to them that they remotely consider rude, but then it's okay for them to treat you that way, and they even say worse things. like, i honestly wish i could explain this person, but please trust me, they are fucking CRAZY. i mean mentally unstable. like, they have a script and are still fucking crazy, in the nosy, provoking way. have to turn everything around on you and make it about them, play the victim, and twist your words.
basically today everything climaxed (i hate that word), and shit hit the fan. we were honestly screaming at each other, it was ridiculous. now that we have both expressed that we want nothing to do with each other, it makes me feel a lot better. like, i would honestly not blink if this person died, that's how much i detest them.
anyway, i'm hoping that i can hit 125 this week. i think becoming a pescatarian has helped me not pack on the pounds while eating like a 500 lb man. tomorrow is 2 weeks with no meat, very proud of myself. i also treated myself and got a pedicure, nails filled and eyebrows done. the women in there were so nice, they're always nice actually.
these past few days have been crazy and drama filled. it's affected me physically as i have 3 fucking huge zits on my face. and not the whitehead kind, the kind that's waaaaaaaaay under the skin and fucking HUGE and red as hell. i think the extra huge one is actually two zits combined. i ordered a clarisonic the other day. supposedly they really help with the little blackheads in the chin and such, and i hate exfoliating my face with grainy products and haven't done it in probably... years. i'll let ya'll know how it works when i get it. i got this one in blue.
anyway, that's enough babble for me. thank you everyone for the positive comments, you are all amazing and i really don't know what i would do without my blogging friends around the world. i mean that, seriously. all 31 of you, i am really flattered that that many people would give a shit enough to even follow me, wow!
time to get high and wander off
1) i kinda fell off the wagon. i haven't been to the gym in... two weeks *oh mai gawd* and i've been eating like a fatass... but today i weighed 129 lbs. in the past two days i haven't wanted to eat, which leads me to reason numero dos,
2) i've been dealing with so much fucking drama, with one person who i have dealt with drama before. i really wish i could tell you how much i hate and loathe this person, but it would honestly take me so fucking long. basically they are one of those types of people who has to have their nose in everything. they get involved and then get pissed when someone says something to them that they remotely consider rude, but then it's okay for them to treat you that way, and they even say worse things. like, i honestly wish i could explain this person, but please trust me, they are fucking CRAZY. i mean mentally unstable. like, they have a script and are still fucking crazy, in the nosy, provoking way. have to turn everything around on you and make it about them, play the victim, and twist your words.
basically today everything climaxed (i hate that word), and shit hit the fan. we were honestly screaming at each other, it was ridiculous. now that we have both expressed that we want nothing to do with each other, it makes me feel a lot better. like, i would honestly not blink if this person died, that's how much i detest them.
anyway, i'm hoping that i can hit 125 this week. i think becoming a pescatarian has helped me not pack on the pounds while eating like a 500 lb man. tomorrow is 2 weeks with no meat, very proud of myself. i also treated myself and got a pedicure, nails filled and eyebrows done. the women in there were so nice, they're always nice actually.
these past few days have been crazy and drama filled. it's affected me physically as i have 3 fucking huge zits on my face. and not the whitehead kind, the kind that's waaaaaaaaay under the skin and fucking HUGE and red as hell. i think the extra huge one is actually two zits combined. i ordered a clarisonic the other day. supposedly they really help with the little blackheads in the chin and such, and i hate exfoliating my face with grainy products and haven't done it in probably... years. i'll let ya'll know how it works when i get it. i got this one in blue.
anyway, that's enough babble for me. thank you everyone for the positive comments, you are all amazing and i really don't know what i would do without my blogging friends around the world. i mean that, seriously. all 31 of you, i am really flattered that that many people would give a shit enough to even follow me, wow!
time to get high and wander off
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
angry angry angry
so yesterday i had a job interview at the mall that was given to me by my lesbian friend from class. then after that i went shopping and spent $368 (wtffF) on my credit card. i bought 3 pairs of lucky jeans (size 4, tight, using them as a "goal weight prize") that were $30 off each pair, 2 beaded bracelets from lucky, a striped hoodie and a green long cardigan thing from forever 21, and some bare minerals makeup from sephora. i usually wouldn't spend that much money on jeans, but i have a credit card, and with the discount they were... fairly cheap?
my friend and i went outside to smoke, and there were two younger guys who are employees of clear smoking too. my friend had to go back to work (we were supposed to smoke a j, but i left my papers at home. so we hit her little bowl only once and she decided to go back to work) so i decided to park myself by them and smoke my ciggy. things led to another and i got one guys number and we were supposed to smoke last night. BUT i didn't want to hang out with a bunch of random guys alone, and my wing girl wasn't going to be home that night, so i made up some lame excuse and told him i couldn't chill and that i would contact him again. which i will. i just smoke and ate toooo much yesterday. i couldn't even suck in my gut, i didn't want to go anywhere.
which leads me to the title of my post- i have gained THREE lbs this weekend!!!! oh my fucking god i'm so angry at myself. i knew what i was doing. i'm just fucking lazy and fat and i have no fucking self control. so i'm going to (liquid) fast for 3 days at least. if anyone would like to join me, please let me know, i could really use the help. at least i haven't eaten meat in 6 days, that has to count for something. i have to lose 10 lbs as soon as possible. which means i need to start exercising regularly... god i've been slacking too fucking much. i'm getting comfortable with 130 lbs. and need to kick myself in the ass and get down to 118, my ultimate goal.
;aksjfkl;asjf;lajfkl;ajf i also have done none of my fucking homework that was due LAST WEEK.
i fucking suck at life.
my friend and i went outside to smoke, and there were two younger guys who are employees of clear smoking too. my friend had to go back to work (we were supposed to smoke a j, but i left my papers at home. so we hit her little bowl only once and she decided to go back to work) so i decided to park myself by them and smoke my ciggy. things led to another and i got one guys number and we were supposed to smoke last night. BUT i didn't want to hang out with a bunch of random guys alone, and my wing girl wasn't going to be home that night, so i made up some lame excuse and told him i couldn't chill and that i would contact him again. which i will. i just smoke and ate toooo much yesterday. i couldn't even suck in my gut, i didn't want to go anywhere.
which leads me to the title of my post- i have gained THREE lbs this weekend!!!! oh my fucking god i'm so angry at myself. i knew what i was doing. i'm just fucking lazy and fat and i have no fucking self control. so i'm going to (liquid) fast for 3 days at least. if anyone would like to join me, please let me know, i could really use the help. at least i haven't eaten meat in 6 days, that has to count for something. i have to lose 10 lbs as soon as possible. which means i need to start exercising regularly... god i've been slacking too fucking much. i'm getting comfortable with 130 lbs. and need to kick myself in the ass and get down to 118, my ultimate goal.
;aksjfkl;asjf;lajfkl;ajf i also have done none of my fucking homework that was due LAST WEEK.
i fucking suck at life.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
9/5/10
so... i don't even want to think about how much food i ate last night and the night before. it wasn't even real food, i just got high and raided the gas station aisles. sunflower seeds, gummy krabby patties, laffy taffy, pretzel m&ms, peanut m&ms, and even COKE! i have never even drank coke like that (i was obsessed with mt. dew though...) so you get the idea. i do well all day and then hung out with one of my lesbian stoner buddies, get the munchies (har har) and i have to chow down on sweet shit. when i'm high by myself, it's okay. like today i've only had 2 cups of unsweetened almond milk.
so i'm going to the gym today, and i'm going to force myself onto the treadmill. the elliptical is soooo boring for me now. i'm also going to lift, because i love the feeling the next day. makes me feel like i accomplished something, even when i pig out on hundreds of grams of sugar.
so last night i got my ex to smoke pot for the first time. i won't tell you my half of the bargain, but anyway. we had amazing high sex (possibly the best in the years that we had been together) and then he started bugging. i made him sign a contract to not start bugging, but he did. he kept saying how time was going by soooo slow (has anyone seen the video of the cop and his wife who smoke weed, then freak out and call the police? they talk about how time is going by so slow) and he just wanted it to end. and he ended up throwing up. but i did get an amazing blackmail video of him while high. that's definitely the last time i smoke with a newbie smoker.
anyway, off to force myself to go to the gym and not eat anything today. bai <3
so i'm going to the gym today, and i'm going to force myself onto the treadmill. the elliptical is soooo boring for me now. i'm also going to lift, because i love the feeling the next day. makes me feel like i accomplished something, even when i pig out on hundreds of grams of sugar.
so last night i got my ex to smoke pot for the first time. i won't tell you my half of the bargain, but anyway. we had amazing high sex (possibly the best in the years that we had been together) and then he started bugging. i made him sign a contract to not start bugging, but he did. he kept saying how time was going by soooo slow (has anyone seen the video of the cop and his wife who smoke weed, then freak out and call the police? they talk about how time is going by so slow) and he just wanted it to end. and he ended up throwing up. but i did get an amazing blackmail video of him while high. that's definitely the last time i smoke with a newbie smoker.
anyway, off to force myself to go to the gym and not eat anything today. bai <3
Saturday, September 4, 2010
little rock
little rock- for some dumbass reason i can NEVER post on your wall, which is really annoying, but i just want you to know that i am praying for you!! please stay safe and just imagine what a crazy story you'll have to tell when this all blows over!!!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
9/2/10
I was feeling... especially emo earlier. But I'm alright now because I have more important things to worry about, like the fact that I had homework due 20 minutes ago and I haven't even started reading what I'm supposed to be writing about. I can't even complete homework on the first week of class, nice.
In other news, I decided (for about the 3rd time) that I would really like to become a vegetarian. My best friend is vegetarian, and the other day when I was driving home I saw a pig truck. There were little ears and snouts hanging out of the grated walls, and unfortunately I had to pass it twice. Plus, I just want to stop eating meat, less calories to count.
I did go grocery shopping today at a Whole Foods type place. I spent $65 on a lot of shit (no meat! but yes, faux meat). I was there forever, going down every aisle and scrutinizing the calorie count, sugar grams, fat grams, and serving sizes on everything I was considering, which is what I do every shopping trip. If it's not in my apartment, I can't eat it right? Although somehow I always find a way to pig out.
Anyway, I've been pretty good about not eating out lately, because:
1) I'm broke as shit, and
2) it's hard to assume calorie counts of food that wasn't made yourself (which you all know)
I am not eating food today, I've had two cups of Carnation Instant Breakfast (300 calories), an iced tea from DD with 3 Splendas, and a cup of unsweetened almond milk with 2 Splendas (40 cal). And 4 ciggies. :( I don't really want to start smoking for real, but it really helps with the appetite (placebo?) and gets me buzzed. And I didn't go to the gym today!!! Ahhhh, I did go yesterday though, only for an hour. :( 30 mins on the elliptical on 7 and 30 mins weight lifting. My arms and legs are sore as shit.
In other news, I decided (for about the 3rd time) that I would really like to become a vegetarian. My best friend is vegetarian, and the other day when I was driving home I saw a pig truck. There were little ears and snouts hanging out of the grated walls, and unfortunately I had to pass it twice. Plus, I just want to stop eating meat, less calories to count.
I did go grocery shopping today at a Whole Foods type place. I spent $65 on a lot of shit (no meat! but yes, faux meat). I was there forever, going down every aisle and scrutinizing the calorie count, sugar grams, fat grams, and serving sizes on everything I was considering, which is what I do every shopping trip. If it's not in my apartment, I can't eat it right? Although somehow I always find a way to pig out.
Anyway, I've been pretty good about not eating out lately, because:
1) I'm broke as shit, and
2) it's hard to assume calorie counts of food that wasn't made yourself (which you all know)
I am not eating food today, I've had two cups of Carnation Instant Breakfast (300 calories), an iced tea from DD with 3 Splendas, and a cup of unsweetened almond milk with 2 Splendas (40 cal). And 4 ciggies. :( I don't really want to start smoking for real, but it really helps with the appetite (placebo?) and gets me buzzed. And I didn't go to the gym today!!! Ahhhh, I did go yesterday though, only for an hour. :( 30 mins on the elliptical on 7 and 30 mins weight lifting. My arms and legs are sore as shit.
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