so fasting yesterday was going well until about 8:30 PM, when i jokingly suggested to my roommate/ex-bf/bf that we should go to his favorite restaurant. he jumped at the opportunity, and i stuffed myself stupid, having:
~10 fried green beans (wtf, fried green beans??? they're sooo good though!)
9 medium sized fried shrimp
~10 fried sweet potato fries
i hate eating fried shit. only because greasy stuff goes straight through my system and out... if you know what i mean. but i still ended up losing .8 of a pound, so blehhhh. i didn't end up going to the gym either last night, cuz by the time we got home they were closed already.
BUT, today i have fasted, the only calories i have had have been a fresh, 16 oz. strawberry & banana smoothie (i made sure to ask if they use sugar, they don't). i also went to the gym, but didn't do too much. :( i did exactly a mile on the treadmill (half jogging and half power walking with the incline on 8) and 25 minutes of weight lifting (leg press- 170 lbs., shoulder press- 30 lbs., pulldown- 60 lbs., and the machine where you sit down and pull the arm things back- 50 lbs.; 3 sets of 15 reps. each & some stretching).
hopefully tomorrow i will be down to 125, but every time i lift, i always seem to gain. :(
i also saw THAT guy THREE fucking times in the past two days. you know, the guy that i used to hang out with and smoke with almost everyday, developed non-mutual feelings for, had sex with, and now (on his accord) we never talk. we made (very) small talk and i hate how he's so fucking fake (nice to my face but blocking me off most of his facebook (i ended up deleting him) and never contacting me until he wants something). i try to act indifferent towards him and answer him in very short statements. i don't know what his issue is, but sometimes i wish he would just flat out tell me he never wants anything to do with me again. i keep holding out hope because we always go through these phases, where we will hang out everyday, not hang out for a while, and then start hanging out again. but now, since we had sex, i feel that he is really done with me, and i need to just accept that fact. but, it's really fucking hard when we go to school together, live very close to each other, and have the potential to pass each other often.
this just gives me more motivation to reach my goal weight. maybe he will start talking to me again if i do?
*sigh* i feel so pathetic, caring so much for this person who doesn't give two shits about me. i also feel that i am starting to obsess over my weight. when i eat i feel somewhat guilty, and i think of the food just sitting there in my stomach, the physical weight of it and the caloric weight of it causing me to gain weight. i don't like this new anxiety about eating and it's starting to scare me. i feel like the more weight i lose, the more fat i have. it's like the smaller my frame gets, the more the fat on my body sticks out more. i have noticed my upper arm fat is shrinking, but my thighs are always the same. i think my thighs will always be fat, no matter how much weight i lose. and i'm not just saying that, i really truly believe it, and my thighs prove it.
i'm really scared that i'll never be happy, even when i am at 118. i feel like 118 is a good number, then i see other people on blogger and other sites who are 118 but still consider themselves fat.
is 118 really fat? if 118 is fat, then 126 must be humongous.
and another reason i feel so distraught is because i really don't have friends up here. :( all my friends are at home, hundreds of miles away. i talk to them daily, but it's not the same. i'm the type of person who likes to go out on a whim, smoke blunts, gossip, and just have fun. i have my roomie/ex/bf, but i fucking live with him, and he doesn't really like to go out too much... at all really.
i obviously need other friends. the other guy was one of my few friends up here, but obviously that didn't work out. my other friend i haven't seen much lately, and the only other person i consider a "friend" (i wouldn't even go that far to call her a friend) is a fucking weirdo.
i have an exam tomorrow that i need to study for, and reading to do. please excuse my emo post.
Aww darling. Everything will be okayy. You're still losing weight which is great, and because you're amazing. Don't worry about what other people think. What's important is how you feel, and when you get to 118 and you feel good and confident, then it's the right weight for you. It may not be the same for others, hence they want to lose more and weigh more than that. It just comes down to what you want to look like and feel. Anyways, love youuu!! Keep up the good work lovely <3
ReplyDeleteemo posts are okay with me. (:
ReplyDeletehaha what the fuck fried green beans? I swear, people will fry anything.
you'll make friends, don't worry.
congrats on the weight loss hun! forget about the guy...he's not worthy of your company! and dw the friends will come. xx
ReplyDeleteIt's ok, dear, everyone needs to vent!
ReplyDeleteI think 118 is a good number, and you need to look at people's heights as well when they say what weight they want to be. Also, people have different perceptions about themselves.
Me, I'm 5'4", and I want to ultimately be 90 pounds. Nothing less.
I don't think I'm uber-fat now at 120, but I want to look super-really-freakin-skinny. But I also want to keep a little bit of muscle.
There's people out there who truly want to look emaciated. They think that's perfection. And that's fine. I don't think it is, I think looking ALMOST emaciated is perfect. And a lot of people would say that's messed up. That's fine.
Just focus on what YOU want to be!
Good luck hun!!!
Xoxox
PS: It's so true... people fry all kinds of crap...it's like they want us to be fat!! :/
lol
Fried green beans are so damn good. Fried zucchini is my weakness. >:
ReplyDeleteI love avocados. I just slice them down the middle, twist, remove the seed and eat the insides with a spoon. Sometimes I'll sprinkle it with a little salt or add a splash of lemon juice first. I guess it's kind of like ghetto guacamole without the chips haha... [:
I'm never afraid to eat them either because they're full of healthy wonderful goodness. No guilt about that.
Yes like one10am said what the heck are fried green beans??
ReplyDeleteDeep fried is my breaking point too though, so good yet so insanely baaaaaaad.
Worst day of my life?? about 4 years ago when I tried my first ever deep fried mars bar. Bad bad day. Don't worry too much about the friends tho love, I totally get what it's like to move somewhere where you know no one, it does get better. Just talk to people in class?? I dunno how it happens but it does happen :)