11/26/10

so i've been debating on whether or not i want to post about what has happened to me this week, but i feel that i can lie to myself, i can lie to others, but i can't lie to my followers and because... i dunno.

• late summer/right before school started back i blogged about meeting Jeb (fake name), a guy who i hooked up with who stood me up the 2nd time we were supposed to meet up because i am apparently "too clingy" (frankly i wasn't upset that much because he has an EXTREMELY small male part)
• his roommate, Ricardo (fake name), obviously had a thing for me. i met him first and lightly touched his arm to let him know i was there (body language my friends) but i wasn't really feeling him so i didn't really pursue him
• Ricardo was the one who consoled me when Jeb stood me up, we smoked together and just talked, then he got my number from Jeb's phone and we have been texting each other back and forth since the summer (i go to school 12 hours away)
• originally, i had no intention of anything ever happening between Ricardo and I. I wasn't really attracted to him and i knew he had a girlfriend and i just thought it was weird that he was going behind his girl and shit, etc etc. nothing bad was happening between the texts, but he kept telling me how cool i was and how sexy, you know the drill. i would have a text from him in the morning and he was just really sweet (aren't they all)
• so, as the months roll on we start having more sexual conversations, i send him pics and he sends me pics (his body is so fucking sexy) and eventually when my boyfriend isn't home and Ricardo is away from his girlfriend, we have a sexual conversation on the phone. as time continues to roll on we eventually make plans to meet up when i go home and get a hotel room
• so the plan was for us to spend the night together this past saturday and sunday night, but on the thursday before, i decided that i couldn't cheat on my boyfriend. i hadn't seen Ricardo in months and was scared that i wouldn't be attracted to him and the night would be a flop
• so he changes his plans again, he originally had the whole weekend free but since i had changed plans, everything was on his time. so saturday night we eventually meet up at 1 am, i leave my friends place and meet him at his car because he was hiding from Jeb (aren't we so sleazy? and yes, Ricardo is aware of the activities that happened between Jeb and I... as shitty as they were). we go to this place and park the car
• very sexy things happen, blah blah, i kept bitching because i was so horny and there are so many things that i want to do with him, but i can't because we are in this shitty little coupe type car. i put my feet all over his window and draw my name in the fog because part of me wants his girlfriend to find out whats happening. i even told him how funny it is that while we're fucking his girlfriend is sleeping. yes, i know i am a terrible, horrible person, but karma always comes back around.
• so the next day we're supposed to hang out, of course we don't because he's a stupid dude and i'm a stupid girl who falls for stupid dudes who i wasn't even interested in from the start.

moral of the story: don't do something you don't want to do, or at least don't cancel plans. i feel like if we got a hotel room the nights would have been magical and i wouldn't have ended up twiddling my thumbs while waiting for some stupid guy to text me for potential booty call action. but he has the best body out of any guy i've ever been with, so that has to count for something right?
i deleted his number from my phone and i haven't heard from him in days. *guffaw* what was i expecting?? i mean i'm not upset. i'm just angry at myself because i canceled our original plans because i didn't want to have sex, but we ended up having sex anyway. whereas we could have had amazing sex in a hotel instead of a car. you live you learn, right?

ps- i copied this bullet idea from someone (sorry, i can't remember who right now) and you're right it is much easier to get a story like this out by using bullet points. sorry if it was hard to follow and i hope none of you judge me, although i'm expecting to lose a few followers tonight.

weight wise: thanksgiving holiday. i forgot my scale at my apartment and i don't even wanna think about what my weight currently is. but i plan to be my goal weight by christmas, and that's a promise that i expect and want ya'll to hold me to. it will happen.

P.S.A.

a friend of a friend died recently due to a heart attack. she was a 20 something who was out of therapy and recovering from anorexia.

i'm not going to say much else, but i think that it's something we should all take a minute to think about. please pray for her family and friends, and people all over the world who are affected by an eating disorder.

11/18/2010 10:15 am

okay, done being emo. if he doesn't want to hang out with me, his loss.

the liquid fast yesterday went well. had ~300 total calories in the form of a latte and breakfast drink mix and milk.

morning weight: 124.2
but we all know that number changes as soon as one eats, so i'm not going to update my ticker until i can maintain this weight for at least 3 days.

edit 12:17 pm

broke my fast with sweet potato fries (~150 cal), 2 zesty pickles (0) and 2 caramel flavored rice cakes (100 cal).
then i purged the rice cakes. wtf? i know i looked real fucking sexy standing over my kitchen sink, tears rolling down my face and snot pouring out of my nose, shoving a toothbrush handle down my throat. i don't even know what the appeal is. i could go to the gym and burn those cals in half an hour. which is what i plan on doing after class.

whatever.

fuck my life

so today was going good, haven't eaten anything besides water and a non-fat latte (130 cals) from starbucks, went to the gym, 2.5 miles on the treadmill and 3 weight machines.

then i see the "other guy". with a girl. he didn't even say hello.

this is bullshit and my whole fucking night is ruined. i haven't talked to him in months, and i haven't run into him in weeks. i hate how just seeing him and walking past him can ruin my day.

Monday 11/15/10

it was a lazy weekend full of birthday parties and extremely gluttonous eating.

water fasting today with my girl MJ

i have a big weekend planned so i can't fuck this up

what the hell... honestly.

did well all day yesterday until i got to the birthday party and got high.

ate like a normal person, even had a little icing, and i gained over 3 fucking pounds!!! 128.6

*sigh* liquid fasting and gym today.

11/9/10

i'm scared to weigh myself tomorrow.

~700 calories (wtf... i feel like i binged, but i know i could have done so much worse. i still feel shitty though)

4.6 miles on the treadmill (running each other half a mile, as usual- need to work on this)
4 weight machines, 3 reps of 15 at max weight (leg press & 3 arm machines)

i'm happy because i wasn't even going to go to the gym today, but i packed my gym bag anyway. i had eaten before the gym so i told myself it would be a terrible day of self loathing if i didn't sweat some of those calories out.

i was planning on fasting tomorrow, but i have to go to a birthday party. we shall see how that goes but i'm not eating any fucking cake.

i hope it's not ice cream cake... i flipping love ice cream cake.

125.6

finally making some progress.

11/8/10 continued

thank you beautiful ladies for your supportive comments on my earlier post. some people are just... stupid.

anyway, today was good. kept it under 400 cals (i love spinach... a cup is SEVEN calories and it's nutrient dense... yes please! throw some garlic on that piece and you are good to go) and did 2.5 miles on the treadmill (i wanted to do 5 miles but i hadn't eaten all day and i just wasn't feeling it after the first 2.5) and kicked my ass on some weight machines. my arms are so fatigued that i could hardly keep my arms up while washing my hair in the shower. did 220 lbs on the seated leg press (yes, i used to be fat- my legs are used to carrying lots of weight!)

not offense to anyone who has different ideals than i do, but like i told my dumbass "friend" from my last post, i'm not aiming to be super skinny or thin. i want to be considered -in shape- and/or -fit-. if any female is worried about getting muscles and becoming bulky, you won't. i've done lots of research on this and our bodies just won't become all gross and muscular unless supplements or used or you hit the gym hardcore. as you all know, some muscle is needed, etc. etc.

and saturday i caved and bought two pairs of skinny jeans (sz 4) from charlotte russe. i also got a new bra. i went from a 36c to a 34b. i never took before pictures because i was too embarrassed (don't make this mistake if you are just starting on your weight loss journey) so i have nothing to compare myself to. and as you all know, it's difficult to see gradual changes when you're looking at your body constantly.

anyway, i'm heading to bed because i have to wake up early and get a filling tomorrow. fml

*sigh*

don't you hate it when people (one of your "best friends") doubts your weight loss at the start, laughs and says you can't lose weight, and then when you DO lose weight they can never be happy for you?

i mean, i'm sorry you're over 200 lbs with no motivation to lose weight ("i'm waiting until i have more time to completely focus. i'm too busy with school. blah blah *more excuses please*"). i fucking busted my ass and completely changed my life, including a complete overhaul of my eating habits and making the gym routine whereas before i would bitch about even walking to class.

now you're telling me that my size is too small, that you wouldn't be happy even as a size 6? that that is too low for you? that's fucking bullshit considering:
1) you've never seen me at my size (i'm a sz. 2, haven't seen her in a few months because of school)
2) you've never even seen yourself under a size 14

why can't a "best friend" just be fucking happy for me? i try to be polite and motivate her, but at this point, it's pointless. i'm not going to go out on a limb for you just because you hate your fat ass.

so, she sent me a pic of her in her 14s that she hasn't been able to wear in 2 years. i sent her back a pic of me that i took, wearing only undies (it's very flattering). do you know what she had to say?

"you're right, you'll never have an ass"

FUCK YOU. I'm fucking sick of people being hateful and jealous. you don't like how you look? don't fucking take it out on me.

11/7/10

so, i finally updated my ticker to my current weight. i feel like shit that i gained over 3 pounds, buuuut that's what happens.
i believe i've finally come to terms with the fact that if i seriously want to reach my goal weight, i need to stop smoking weed. there are days when i can smoke and resist binging, but those days are rare. i hate to make excuses for eating, and i hate to give people another reason to talk shit on weed smokers, but if i want to get shit done... i need to stop smoking. my plan is to stop smoking during the week and allow myself to smoke on the weekends. i HAVE to do this, not only for my weight, but for my grades and my wallet.

thank god i don't really enjoy alcohol, or i would have the biggest beer gut ever.

anyway... today was good. i went to the gym and did 5 miles on the treadmill (jogging and briskly walking every other half mile) but only did two weight machines. intake is under 500 (seafood salad, 100 calorie snack, a (very) few bites of paneer tikka masala, and some sunflower seeds).

i need more days like today.

wow

i just felt the need to post how angry i am about the fact that a grande, non-fat eggnog latte from starbucks is 450 calories. i'm glad i enjoyed it because i would be much more angry if it was gross. no more eggnog lattes for me.

so the past week and a few days has been bad. the last time i went to the gym was on tuesday. i don't even want to update my ticker to my current weight; it's too embarrassing. i also just got back from getting my acrylics on. i know i was using them as a goal reward, but i had to get them again!! :x

so my plan now is to go tanning and take my fat ass to the gym. what upsets me is that the ~500 cals burnt for 5 miles on the treadmill won't even make up for that latte. luckily though, the latte was the only thing i've had today and that was at 12:30 pm.

*sigh* that latte thing has really bummed me out.