OMG

I was brainstorming what to write, and then got a paper cut on my NIPPLE, WTF?!?! I just got out of the shower so yes, I am strolling around nude, and had some reading I have to do for homework hanging on my table. I went to scoot up to type, and sliced my poor nipple, owww. :(

In other news, I have ingested a medium iced tea with 4 splendas, a cup of fat free milk with carnation instant breakfast (150 calories), water, and a cup of almond milk. I was flipping crazy over almond milk for 15 minutes, until I found out that each serving has 15 GRAMS OF SUGAR!! Sugar is one thing that I will not allow myself to eat, and seeing that much in one cup is just ridiculous to me. So, after I finish this half gallon I'm done with almond milk, unless they create a sugar free version.

I got my nails done today, acrylic with uv nail gel; my ex actually paid for them :-x. And I hate them! I didn't realize that the gel nails were painted on, and the woman left the white part really short so now my fingers look stubby. It's my fault because I didn't say anything, so I'll just fix it when I get them filled.

Anyway, I have reading to do for class tomorrow, soooo ttyl <33

8/31/10

edit: I JUST REMEMBERED IT'S BAR NIGHT!!!! woooooo hoooooooooooooooooo!

I haven't updated in forever, because I suck at life and I haven't been counting my calories like I should. I'm back up to 130.4!! I was fasting yesterday until I got really high at night; instead of going to the gym like I should have, I ate. At least 600 calories worth. So my PLAN for today is liquid fast (coffee, water, ciggies, weed- plus I'm broke, always a good time to fast) and the GYM later. I'm so fking scared to go to the gym. The last time I went was days ago. Since school's back in session it's always packed, but I'm luckily enough to go to a huge college that just opened up another gym that's HUGE and filled with NEW EQUIPMENT!!! So I'm going there later or I'm going to... I dunno, do something dangerous.

In other news, HOW DO I MAKE MY BLOG BEAUTIFUL??? It's so fugly I want to cry. Everyone else has sub-pages and beautiful layouts; I googled layouts for blogspot and even after reading the instructions, I still had no idea how to install them. :( I also don't know the best way to comment on comments- do I comment on my post they commented on, on their latest post, or mention them on my next blog? Everyone does something totally different, and I don't know how to make it notify me when someone comments on their blog that I commented on, so I end up forgetting. :( I read everyone's blog I'm subscribed to, but I never comment because I'm not sure on the protocol!

My ex is not acting emo anymore, thank God. We've actually been hooking up... a lot. And it seems even better than when we were a couple. I know this is just stringing him along. When I find a new guy (and trust me, I've been scoping them out on campus. I haven't seen too many in my classes so far, though. :( I'm honestly looking for a girl, although I've never been with a girl and don't even know how to turn on my game around a girl, haha) he's going to be pissed and upset, and everything is going to hit him at once. But why should I create tension in my apartment? I'll deal with that bullshit when it comes.

Anyway, I don't have class until 2. I could go to the gym and come back with plenty of time to get ready. But I'm lazy. :( Did I lose my appeal for the gym? I don't want to shower, get ready, go to my one class today, go home, go to the gym, and shower again. Yes, I hate showering twice in one day because of my hair. While I love my hair very very much (I think it's my best feature) I can't stand dealing with it when I have no place to go, but I'm always worried someone will call and want to do something, but I'll look like shit. As seen, I worry too much about trivial shit.

I'm going to respond to some comments now, and wallow in my self-loathing until I can take my fatass to the gym.

PS- I love ya'll.
PPS- little rock, did you get my comment on your post? I don't know if you have them set to be approved or if it just didn't post. :-/

8/27/10 *updated*

127.6... wtf

in other news, my boyfriend who i'm taking a break with came back last night, i haven't seen him in over a week in a half. he thought we were just taking a break then getting back together, but i told him that's not what i want. i want to be single. so then he's like, "oh, you don't love me anymore. we can't be in an open relationship and act like we're still together" which i agree with, but we're both on the lease and he won't let me leave but on the other hand he won't leave, so we're going to have to fucking live together. i've been heart broken and it sucks. i'm not trying to deal with some emo person bringing me down just because of how i feel. and living with him isn't going to make it easier for him to get over me, we need to be completely apart. and i know he's going to want to have sex, no matter how hard he says he doesn't want to (aunt flo was here last night), and that's just going to slow down his healing process even longer.

i've been in his situation so many times. i don't want to hurt him, because we've spent over 3.5 years together and he is a GREAT guy. seriously, it's me, not him. but at the same time, i need to find myself and what i want, because these past few years have been strictly me and him. i never thought about any other guys. so maybe i don't love him anymore because i have been with 2 guys after our break? i don't know how i feel. and i can't sort out my thoughts because i have to live with him. luckily/unluckily school starts monday and hopefully i can make some new friends and get out of this fucking apartment.

grrrr i know there are people out there with worse problems, and i'm so lucky that i'm not on the other end of the heartache stick, so why can't i get this shitty feeling out of myself? i feel like a piece of shit. everyone gets their heart broken, and he hasn't. he has to experience heart ache, i'm just sorry it has to be me. :( i can see how upset he is and it breaks my heart. but losing weight has realized that i need to live for ME; not others. i mean i've been with this guy since i was 17, things need to change.

a;skjfaklfjl;ajoiwadjmkjsf;kjas;fkjas

and i think it's worth mentioning that i love blogging. it's not even about weight loss, it's about every fucking thing that i obsess about in my head and end up going crazy about. some of the shit i think and brood on i can't tell anyone i know in real life, so posting online helps, a lot. i've always advocated writing down exactly how one feels when they're upset; it helps get thoughts out of one's head and onto paper, but of course i'm sure everyone knows this.
but reading other's blogs helps me realize that i'm not the only one who has these crazy emotions and it helps me not drive myself crazy.
basically, i think blogging has helped me not go crazy. and i feel like with classes starting it's only going to get crazier.

ps- i love all of you and don't stop blogging or i'll be sad :(

*update- now he's treating me like shit. he doesn't want me to go to the theme park sunday with his family, and he said since I want to be single he's going to treat me like i'm single. guys are so fucked up. one second you love me, and the next second you treat me like a dog. like i can understand he's upset, but you don't need to treat ME like shit. why am i doing all the crying when i'm the one who wants to be single??? wtf

back from the gym

just got back from the gym, and i'm pretty disappointed in myself. i don't know if it's because i haven't been to the gym in a week in a half, or the fact that i haven't eaten yesterday or today, or the fact that i got 4 hours of sleep, or the fact that i'm a fatass, but i was NOT able to stay on the elliptical today. i usually have the intensity on 7, but that was kicking my ass. i was sweating so hard and it was just sooo difficult for me to do. i did about 8 minutes on level 7 and then i kept the intensity on 4 and did only 30 mins total, which was about 2.5 miles.

then my friend met up with me and we lifted for 45 mins. i told her about how i was so exhausted and she immediately asked if i had eaten today, and earlier she mentioned that it's good that i'm losing weight, as long as i'm losing it the "safe" way. so then i proceeded to mention how i never eat breakfast ever, but i definitely didn't mention about how i didn't eat yesterday.

anyway, i'm about to smoke and shower, and most likely take a nap because i am SPENT. and not in the good, after sex way. sex would be nice though.

oh i'm planning on not eating today. any positive encouragement would be greatly appreciated. :)

reverse thinspo:

ooh just read the article:
Kansas City woman Carolyn Ragan sadly discovered she had a tumor, not great news for anyone, but what happened next is quite unique.

Ragan isn’t exactly anything we’d call small: her 5 foot stature is complimented with 275 pounds around her waist, and that means that even the most modern tech may not cater for her.

Regan claims she was told by her local hospital to go the zoo to have a MRI because a regular MRI machine could not hold her weight. According to FoxNews: “he suggested the Kansas City Zoo,” Ragan said. “I thought, I know I’m big, but I’m not as big as an elephant. And my husband got mad.”

According to experts, her problem was two fold: she was too heavy for the table, and too wide to fit through the slot.

can't sleep

5:35 AM. can't sleep. drank too much coffee on the drive up. i'm smoking a bowl hoping that it will help me fall asleep. and i don't have my contacts in so i'm squinting and it sucks.

luckily though, i didn't eat anything today :) just consumed iced coffee, tobacco, and mary jane. although i had to make one of my coffees with whole milk. after switching to fat free milk, whole milk is flipping gross. too thick!

one good thing came out of being stood up last night- more motivation to reach my goal weight. i'm hitting the gym tomorrow for the first time in a week in a half. i'm excited to go and i'm going to start writing down what i lift so that i can document my progress.
anyway, i'm going to try to fall asleep again, it will likely be impossible, but i'm gonna try
ps- my stomach won't shut the hell up

8/25/10

wow. this is really embarrassing... but i got stood up last night. i'm so shocked. i mean i don't think i'm hot shit or anything but... i really hate being ignored. especially by a guy who i straight up told him from the start that I DONT LIVE HERE, so there's no point for me to give you my number or to take things further than a one night stand. but he was like nooo i like you, you can come visit at christmas time, so i was like w/e you're sexy, okay. but apparently, i am TOO CLINGY! even though i didn't even want to give him my number, and he was texting me, and he asked ME to come see him. oh my god i am so confused and don't understand what goes through a guy's head sometimes. and i'm not even kidding about me not being clingy, that's why i'm so baffled.

but i talked to his room mate about it, we smoked (no naughty intentions on my part) and he kept telling me how it's his loss and he doesn't understand blah blah me either.

anyway! onto better news... i'm down to 125.6??? i haven't been chowing down the past few days, but i definitely haven't been keeping track of what i eat. i am into these size 4 shorties from american eagle, and they fit really well. love handles aren't too disgusting today. i just can't wait to get back to the GYM! i think i'm going back to school today after i post this, it's a 12 hour drive and i smoked mids so i'm probably gonna get sleepy, but i think cigarettes, loud music, and lots and lots of coffee will help me out. :)

anyway, thanks for reading and post some encouragement for my drive so i can check on my ipod during gas stops. :)

8/24/10

I haven't been checking my weight; I left my scale in my car, that's at a friend's house, because my mom thinks I flew home but I actually drove. And I'm feeling kinda emo because I'm going to have to go back to school either tomorrow or the next day, and it's such a looooooooooong drive (10+ hours). By myself. It was a good idea when I was homesick, but now I don't want to leave. :(

Especially after meeting the guy who I hooked up with a few days ago, we'll call him Kyle. We were sexting last night and I'm going to go to his place tonight and stay there, even though it's like 2 hours out of my way and will add that time to my total driving hours, grrr!! He said he would be a good host, and Aunt Flo isn't here yet, so if you read this Flo, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!! at least for 2 more days, please? :)

so i've been updating my NEW iPod touch i got yesterday, it wasn't working before because i was using my old ass first generation ipod nano usb cord. but now, it's working (fingers crossed). i was really tempted to buy an ipad, but i have no idea wtf i would use it for. anyway, i'm gonna go wash some clothes and start packing, and day dream about tonight :)

ohhh mai gawddd

i am SO FUCKING IRRITABLE right now. my boyfriend i'm taking a break with is pissing me off. my mom who i'm visiting is pissing me off. my life is pissing me off. i think it might have to do with being REALLY EFFING BORED. i love my mom and all, but you can't really chill with your mom, and all of my friends have moved and don't live around here anymore. except one friend who wants to hang out, but she wants to go out somewhere and i would rather just chill.

anyway, i hooked up with this guy, not last night but the night before. we went to this party and then came home and hung out. he was really into kissing and cuddling and doing things that couples, and not hook ups, usually do. but it was okay because he's really cute. :) he kept telling me to stay and come visit again in a few days, and when i'm home for christmas vacation. then i tried to stay and he blew me off to hang out with his friends? i don't know what was up with that, i asked and he said i kept talking about going home so he figured i wasn't going to stay, so he made plans. maybe i will go visit him again before i go back to school, even though it's a few hours out of the way.

although i'm done with my birth control pills and this is the sugar pill week, so aunt flo will probably ruin things. that and he has a small one! :-x ugh, sorry guys or any girls with boyfriends who have small ones, but that is a total turn off for me!! i didn't even want anything to do with it once i felt how small it was! it kept falling out, etc. but you don't need to know details. hopefully when i text him he'll be down to hang again. i'm not really afraid of rejection, but it still stings a little.

ps- i'm not feeling as irritable now. let's see how long this lasts.

grrrr

so ever since i went home, i have been eating like a total fatass and NOT exercising, and it's really getting to me! yesterday i wasn't going to eat, but then me and some people got high, and i ate. we smoked on this dock at night on the ocean, and a dolphin came up and was saying hello and blowing through his blow hole at us. so today i think i need to jog. it's extremely hot here but i can't stand eating like a fatass and not exercising. i'm blaming my gym because they're closed, but it's really my fault because i'm fat and lazy.

i met a guy yesterday, i turned up the charm and he's definitely interested in seeing me tonight. i was going to leave today, but i might stay for this party he asked me to stay for and see what happens. i mean, i am single :) i don't really want to drink because i usually get sick, but i haven't gotten legit drunk and hooked up with someone in a long time (the other guy recently doesn't count, i see him often and this dude i'm seeing tonight i'll probably never see again). maybe it's slutty, but it's nice to know that someone else is physically attracted to you, and hopefully he has a nice package :D

anyway, i think i'm going to roll up a jay and smoke, and debate going for a jog. if you read this, please guilt trip me into jogging!

8/17/10

today was... interesting.

but first:
yesterday was spent on the road. like legit from 11 am to 10 pm i was in my car. driving. living on iced coffee, marlboro lights, and vitamin water. i didn't eat anything, and when i woke up this morning my weight was at 128.6 lbs. anyway, normal morning, whatever

then my friend and i decide that we were going to take some acid, and suffice to say, today was pretty interesting.

i suck at life

sooo i was planning on fasting for 3 days, day one goes by just fine. then TODAY, day 2, i decide to go clothes shopping (my jeans were too loose). so i go into my favorite jean store (american eagle) and i'm down to a size 4 in jeans, and a size 2 in skirts (i guess my fat thighs are too fat for size 2 jeans)!

then i went to my favorite restaurant (NOT fast food) and ate lunch there. by myself. i wish i didn't break my fast, but bleh. gym is closed so i'm going to the track and work on my jogging for an hour... which i also suck at.

grrrr!!

so, someone who is supposed to be one of my "best friends" is a total fucking jealous bitch! she is and has been (unsuccessfully) trying to lose weight ever since i have, and even talked shit and laughed at me when i first decided i wanted to lose weight. so now every time i mention the gym to her or something similar, she ALWAYS decides to mention my lack of a job. i don't know if it's to make herself feel better, or make me feel worse. i mean i care about not having a job, but not really because everything my parents have ever asked from me i have done, but that's another story.

what really pisses me off is the fact that someone who is supposed to be a "best friend" is such a fucking bitch! and it's been like this forever! she is a habitual liar and lies about anything and everything, along with talking shit about me and others behind our backs and she is just REALLY FUCKING DUMB!

and i know i should get her out of my life, etc etc, but we have been friends forever. she is really fun in person, but i don't think i can handle her trying to bring me down all the time!! i need fucking motivation, not to be guilt tripped by someone who:
1) doesn't financially support me (therefore has no room to talk about my lack of a job), and
2) likes to bring others down (i mean i do this too, but only about fat strangers and NEVER to anyone's face! i could never hurt someone's feelings intentionally... especially one of my "best friends", like she does!)

anyway, i just got back from the gym (3 mile on elliptical intensity on 7, 1 mile jogging, and 30 mins lifting, not much but i have to do some errands today) to get rid of some anxiety, and when i get back i have to be berated by some 200 lb. bitch.

UGH SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!! bowl & shower time

8/12/10

down to 129.8! not very low by other people's standards, but being a former fatass, it really means a lot to me! all the exercising i have been doing is starting to show, even though i'm hungover to hell and am NOT exercising today, sorry body!

last night was fun, and a reminder as to why i would rather get high than drunk. no one wants to sleep with me when i'm about to puke, and praying to god i don't hurl while trying to fall asleep is the worst. i did end up hurling before i got home actually, and drinking on an empty stomach is no bueno. anyway, we shall see how today goes, bye! :)

8/10/10

So, yesterday's gym visit went well, 5.3 miles on the elliptical with the intensity to 7 (previously on 6) and an hour of weightlifting on the machines, 3 sets @ 15 reps each. My body is killing me and my stomach is yelling at me, but after eating baked sweet potato fries (22 fries @ 170 calories) and a PB&J sandwich (180 cal. in the bread, don't even want to think about how much PB&J I used) last night, I kinda feel like this:
I'm up to 134.4 this morning, bleh.

Anyway, have to leave my apartment today, hopefully coming back tomorrow to go out with some friends. Maybe I can get trashed and drunk-dial "the other guy". OMG I feel like such a ho. Is it even drunk-dialing if you plan it in advance?

Edit: hitting the gym at 10:30 AM, this is a new record for me! I PLAN on doing an hour on the elliptical and I really really wanna do another half hour on the treadmill (my legs are still killing me from jogging, which means I'm making progress). I wanna wear a super slutty costume this Halloween!! Anyway, off to the gym I go.

8/9/10

So I decided that I need to add something else to my daily physical activity, and I've decided upon jogging and yoga. Right now I'm doing an hour on the elliptical and an hour of weight lifting on M,W,F and just the elliptical on Tu & Thur and nothing on the weekends (gym's closed).
I'm gonna change it up and do an hour of lifting, an hour on the elliptical, and an hour of yoga (flexibility purposes) on M,W,F and I'll do an hour of jogging (I'm guessing 4 miles? I haven't counted the laps yet) and an hour of yoga on Tu, Thur, Sat & Sun.
Adding the jogging is going to be hard at first (I've only gone twice so far and my legs are so sore), eventually I'll get much better at it, and I am patiently awaiting that day! Plus, my legs are going to look better, and right now my ass is really flat and jogging can change that!

8/3/10

Just got home from the gym, the typical 5.2 miles/1 hour with the intensity on 6. I was watching TV on the elliptical next to me (mine didn't have closed-captioning, and I wasn't about to stop listening to my iPod) when this fat biatch comes along, turns off the closest two elliptical TVs (mind you, I was watching the first) and then plops herself on the THIRD elliptical down from mine. Normally I wouldn't be so hateful and respect all large people at the gym, but her turning off the TV made me mad, considering I was blatantly watching! So I have 10 minutes left in my first half hour (the machines only let you do 30 mins at a time, so I usually get off after the first 30, stretch, and then do the last thirty), so I told myself that I would just turn the TV back on in 10 minutes... UNTIL ANOTHER GIRL COMES UP AND STARTS USING THAT ELLIPTICAL! Sad to say, I just turned on my TV and tried my best to read lips.

After my fun fun fun hour at the gym (no lifting today- did that last night) I stopped at a local coffee place to get an iced coffee and maybe something to eat. I then changed my mind and got a tea, and tried to get an eggwhite flatbread (290 calories, they say). I didn't really want to eat, but I don't like not eating after exercise because it doesn't seem healthy for the body. Luckily for me, this is a piece of crap place that is always out of something or has broken equipment... was out of EGGWHITES! The lady tried to convince me to get another flatbread, but I figured that this was a sign to just go home and drink some carnation instant breakfast. Which is what I am going to do after I smoke this bowl. The best bowls are after gym bowls!
Nothing more rewarding than the satisfaction of knowing that you earned it, and will never look like the bitch who turned off my TV, EFF YOU!

So I suppose I won't eat too much today, considering it's bar night. Annnnnd... I need to shower!
PEACE!

8/2/10

I can't get this other guy off of my mind and it's driving me nuts! I had a long conversation with my best friend last night, and turns out he has been having the same feelings about his boyfriend as I am having about mine. This is really reassuring because I feel like my friend and I are on the same page, and at least SOMEONE understands. He has been in practically the same situation in the past, and he ended up getting hurt.
The other guy and I spent hours talking about what would happen if we did hook up, and he made sure to let me know that I was very likely to get hurt, because he has no emotional attraction to me whatsoever.

Which is fine, because I wasn't sure if it was just some type of phase I was going through, and maybe after it happened I would totally regret it and come running back to my boyfriend. But! that didn't happen... so now I'm wondering, "do I really want to be in a relationship with my boyfriend?" If I can cheat on him and not feel remorse, what does that mean? I don't feel like I'm a huge slut; it's not like I cheated on him with multiple guys. Just this one guy, who I have had feelings for, but I didn't think they were real, I thought I was just experiencing lust. But now I feel like the feelings are there and there's nothing I can do to stop them. I deleted his number so I can't call him. I tell myself over and over I won't contact him but I usually do, over something stupid. So I'll just wait... hopefully I will hear from him soon. It's probably for the best if I don't though!

Sigh... weak minded humans and their emotions and desires are so stupid...