I swear, I have to be the greasiest person alive. My face just oozes oil 20 minutes after I wash it. Don't come outside with me on a sunny day or you WILL be blinded by how shiny I am. I keep the oil sheet companies in business.

Anyway....

Yesterday I was doing well with my fasting, but then I decided to have dinner. I roasted 2 sweet potatoes with enough for lunch today, if I decide to eat lunch. I had some Snapea Crisps while my potatoes were cooking, and also some yogurt covered almonds. I was unbelievably high though, so I barely remember last night.

So far today, I've had a cup of hot green tea with Splenda. I'm going to have some instant breakfast here soon. Spinach sauteed with garlic will be for dinner tonight.

PS- I need more people to follow! I cleaned out my blog list and only about 30 people still blog :( All of my favorite bloggers have stopped blogging, makes me very sad. I just read the comments on the blogs I follow and just start following those people. So, if you have a random new follower, HELLO! :)

Liquid fasting

So, yesterday was a liquid fasting day. I had a large mocha iced coffee from BK, and some milk with sugar free Carnation Instant Breakfast. Along with some nicotine to curve the appetite, and marijuana to self-medicate my non-existent issues. I made my boyfriend dinner though, cooking for him makes it easier for me not to eat. Also did 1.75 miles at the gym before work, not sure if I'll be going to the gym today though. I'm so out of shape it's not even funny. I can't believe at one point in time I was running 5 miles a day.
                       

BLOG REAWAKENING

So, I find myself wanting to blog about my weight loss journey again, after abandoning this blog for what seems like years. I wanted to start a new blog because a lot of my older posts here make me depressed and take me back to a time that I don't want to re-live. But then I realized that life is a journey, and I want to have everything documented.

I'm renaming my blog from "118 or bust!" because I've come to the realization that I will never be 118 pounds unless I chop some extremities off. The lowest I've ever been is 127, and that's when I was running 5 miles a day and living off of coffee and cigarettes. I've reached a point in my life where I'm out of school and working full time. I'm back up to nearly the weight I was when I started my weight loss journey years ago. It's so embarrassing to admit it, but it's true.

I'm one of those people who lost weight but couldn't keep it off. I gained 20 pounds just from moving to a different state, where I don't live in the city anymore and can't walk everywhere I need to go. Now I work full time at a desk and haven't been working out like I should. I was on birth control for a few months, but I couldn't handle the 10 pound weight gain and the atrocious acne all over my jawline.

So now, it seems that I'm back to square one.

8/24/2011- 6 months later

So, here I am again after a 6 month hiatus. I don't know about everyone else, but I have found that I come to Blogger when I am at a point in my life where I am confused, I need guidance, or my heart is hurting. When I originally started my blog, I was confused as to what I wanted from my relationship with my boyfriend. All that got ironed out eventually (I feel 100% better about it all and I couldn't say that if I didn't have my blog and all of my blogging friends). But now, I have come to another transitional point in my life: I have graduated college and have been thrown into the "real world".

But that isn't even my real problem, the problem is my weight. I haven't been to the gym in TWO MONTHS. I haven't gained that much (I don't have a scale but my clothes are still fitting) but I feel flabby and gross. I've been eating out more (we have recently moved about 8 hours away) and have been making excuses for not going to the gym. But I think the REAL thing that opened my eyes was a nightmare I had last night. In my nightmare I weighed 220 lbs. and had a FUPA (fat upper p*ssy area). I woke up under the impression that I was really that fat. But I wasn't, thank God.

I don't really have anything substantial to say today, but if you have a Twitter please let me know the link to it. I am still really confused about Twitter, but I opened one today and need to follow more people.

2/12/2011

Yesterday's liquid fast was successful. After eating like a pig all week, I end the week lighter than before my week long piggie-fest. I might liquid fast again today but I'm not putting anything in stone. I just wanna be in the 120s again :(

As far as my boyfriend goes, I caught him in another lie. He said he only looked at it occasionally, but then the truth comes out that he's looking at it "2-3 times a week", which I'm sure is an underestimate.

Bekka said: "Why don't you like him looking at porn? Maybe if you explained to him why, instead of just accusing and getting mad, it would help him understand and possibly stop. I personally don't care if my bf looks, but I know if he and I ever have problems, we try to help each other get inside out heads, so we can understand each other better."

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 years now and he knows exactly why I don't like porn, we have been through this issue sooo many times. Honestly the porn issue takes a backseat to him lying to me, multiple times. We work through all issues and we get along very well, which is why I was so shocked that he would lie to me in such a way. And I wasn't accusing him- there was proof that he was looking at multiple sites, and he did eventually admit to looking at it, multiple times a week.

fuming

am it the only person who doesn't like their boyfriend looking at porn?? right now i am fucking LIVID. i ask my boyfriend occasionally, "do you look at porn? i will be a little upset but i would much rather you tell me than lie to me". i've told him multiple times- whatever you do, just don't fucking lie to me. he swears "oh, i never look at porn! why would i look at porn when i have you?" and i knew he was lying, i can just tell. i mean he's a guy for God's sake. and of course i found out that he's... been looking at porn. and now, when he knows he's been caught in a lie, "oh i only do it occasionally when i'm really bored... i don't look at it every night or anything".

honestly, at this point i don't even give a shit about the porn. it's the fact that he has been LYING TO MY FACE for a long time... years. of course i knew deep down that he was lying, but i didn't want to make a big deal out of it and maybe, just a little, i believed him.

now i know i have my faults and i might be being a hypocrite here but i don't really care. i am so angry at this point i want to just break something. i'm so so so angry and hurt and upset and i feel betrayed.

if you think i'm crazy because i don't want my boyfriend looking at porn, then you're probably right. i don't really care though, i can't control how i feel and i can't control whether or not people lie to me but you're damn right i'm going to be beyond LIVID when i catch someone in a lie/swore to God/swore on everything.

Guys: don't lie to a woman. we can find out ANYTHING if we really want to.

1/29/11 *fast day #2- 2.2 lb loss*

yesterday's (1/28) liquid fast went great. i had 450 cals. in the form of milk and carnation instant breakfast. i woke up this morning weighing 2.2 pounds less than i did yesterday. i have a lot of errands to run today so hopefully i can fast again today.

i just realized that this post sounds like it was written by a 5 year old. but i don't care because i just woke up.

1/28/11 *new gym log*

so I have been a good girl lately. i haven't binged in a while and i have been going to the gym (check gym log on the right). i have gained about 6 pounds since thanksgiving, and i have been gaining and losing 3 pounds since then... so obviously something needs to change. i need to keep off these three pounds then lose the other 3 i gained (i was maintaining 127 and now i'm at 133 as of this morning- i was trying to keep my current weight a secret but what the hell).
i need to lose as much as i can for a graduation ceremony i'm going to next weekend, and i have to be super sexy for my graduation in may. i'm not going to be a fatass for my OWN COLLEGE GRADUATION. i will have those pictures for the rest of my life and i don't want to look back and wonder, "why didn't i just try harder? why did i have to sabotage myself just so i could be lazy and shovel food down my throat?"

i've been taking those diet pills i bought, one at a time every time i need a pick me up (placebo effect?), but never close to bed time. i took two together for the first time a little while ago before i went to go shovel my car out of the snow, and now i feel weird. not bad, just different. the good thing about these caffeine pills is that they save me money since i don't have to spend money on starbucks.

i still haven't showered since i got back from the gym, so i'm gonna go do that now and then weight myself after my hair is dry. i haven't eaten today so hopefully i can make some progress. one thing that i hate is when i do weight machines i gain. so i guess i have to rely on measurements, but i can visually tell that my efforts are working, just gotta -keep swimming-

1/19/2011

so my sunday & monday liquid fast went spectacular. i ate yesterday afternoon because i was feeling nauseous (finally spelled that correctly on my own!) but kept it at 600 calories. i just got back from the gym and did:
2.33 (30 mins) miles on the treadmill (not as much as i wanted) and 3 weight machines (2 arm, 1 leg machine). today i had a bubble tea (BAD!) and i'm about to go tan and grab some paneer tikka masala, YUM! it's fairly low cal because it is just cottage cheese cubes and this tomato and onion sauce but it's sooo delicious. also lots of protein.

i haven't tried the diet pills yet because i haven't really had the urge to yet. i've been keeping myself full with water and no cal drinks and have avoided binging! although i did have 5 pickle slices last night, but they are 0 cals each- a guilty pleasure!

anyway, i'm off, tata for now my beautiful friends

attempt #2- liquid fast day #2 & goodies from GNC

okay so when I fasted a few days ago... i ended up binging and gaining it all back. BUT it is 11:34 pm on day two and i'm holding in strong. in the past 2 days i've dropped 4.2 pounds, but obviously some of that is from all the food i ate. i don't know whether i'm fasting tomorrow, i'm feeling nauseous when i move too quickly but we shall see...

tomorrow is when the semester starts and there is still snow on the ground from last week and now its snowing again. it's supposed to turn to sleet and such so i'm praying classes will be canceled tomorrow. if not, i will not be a happy camper trudging through the snow in flimsy, not-for-cold-weather rain boots (someone remind me to buy snow boots).

anyway, that's all i have to say for now. going to try to go to bed early... early bird gets the worm and all that jazz. plus i've been waking up between 1 and 2 pm too much lately.


ps- i stopped at GNC today and bought two things. the first being "hair, skin & nails formula". it has good reviews on the site and it's on sale so i bought them. my hair is super thick and longish, and i have acrylics on my nails, but my skin is terrible and could use all the help it can get.

i also, thanks to Elara's  helpful and much appreciated advice, bought these green tea extract pills which also have caffeine in them. they have only one review and it's negative, so we shall see. but they were cheap too so not too much lost if they are not as effective as i would like them to be.

quick question

i'm looking to buy diet pills in the near future (tomorrow). i was looking before and saw some with no caffeine, i'm wondering if they would be as effective? i can handle espresso drinks but i don't want to have a terrible caffeine headache.

anyway, anyone have any diet pills that worked well for them? i'd rather have some recommendations instead of just going to gnc and finding something off the shelf there

1/11/11, fast day #2, 5:35 pm

So today has been good. So far today I've had: 130 calories in the form of milk & breakfast drink mix. I also went to the gym and did 2.8 miles on the treadmill (I only jogged about .75 of that, the rest brisk walking... gotta work on this after my 1.5 month gym hiatus) and 3 weight machines, 3 sets of 15 reps each.

Yesterday the liquid fasting went well and I only had 300 calories (breakfast drink mix & milk x2). I'm going to liquid fast again today, although I want some food. I've made it to 5:35 pm and I can't give up now. I'm not hungry but my inner fat child is coming out and wants to just taste food since we went grocery shopping last night and there are so many delicious goodies in my kitchen calling my name.

I don't know when I'm going to break my fast, I guess whenever I get hungry. I thought I would have more problems at the gym today, but I like to think that everything I ate over break is more than making up for what I'm not eating now.

Woke up this morning with my weight exactly the same... I have weight to lose to get back to my weight before I got sick and THEN some to get to my goal weight. Lots of work ahead of me, but I need to work on that summer body NOW. You AND I need to both reach our goals so when we see exs or old friends they can be jealous of how good we look.

The only person in your way is YOU! Don't sabotage yourself! You worked too hard to get to this point to stuff your gullet!! (this is mainly directed towards me, but anyone else is free to heed my high ramblings)

1/10/2011

FINALLY got back to my apartment and was able to make it back to the gym today (after over a month) and let me tell you... it was sooo difficult! I could BARELY jog a quarter of a mile. The sad thing was there was an ancient guy there on the treadmill, he had to be over 75 years old. If his old behind can do it... so can I!

But I didn't... and instead did a whole 1.88 miles. and only jogged about .75 of a mile of that. Then I did the seated leg press (45 reps of 230) and 3 arm machines. Liquids only today though, breakfast drink mix and milk and diet dr. pepper. We're grocery shopping today so I'll probably eat something tomorrow before the gym, or maybe liquids only and light exercise.

I'm gonna weigh tomorrow morning. I was sort of okay with today's weight. It was the weight I was before I went home for break.

Anyway, I'm gonna shower now and catch up on blogs later. I'm so happy to be back into a routine. I forgot who mentioned it, but someone I follow said that they are terrible without a routine. Looks like I'm the same way.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!

okay, so it's only 9 pm here on new year's eve... but i know for some of you it's already 2011 so HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i'm starting 2011 on a good note and have fasted today- water, diet dr. pepper, & gum.
the bar later so hopefully i won't come home drunk and chow down. i'm never hungry while drunk so i don't see that happening...
anyway, be safe everyone!!

12/30/2010

thank you everyone for your comments. honestly, from the bottom of my shriveled heart, i appreciate them so much. while my situation sucks, it's comforting to know that i am not the only person going through such things. then i watch shows like intervention & celebrity rehab and i know that people with addictions are damaged and usually that damage is caused by other people. how fucked up is that? anyway...

so i really let myself go over the break. a few weeks ago i got really fucking sick and stopped going to the gym and started eating regularly. then finals started and i was still sick and making excuses to not go to the gym. then my (bitchy, fat- see HERE) friend came and visited me for a week. of course i told her (3 times) to bring gym clothes, but when i asked where they were she said she left them at home because i would be busy with finals... okay... most terrible excuse ever.
so therefore, you see, i have gained some weight. but yesterday my fat jeans were tight and i decided that i cannot let myself balloon up again. so yesterday i had only a grande non-fat latte and diet dr. pepper until about 7 pm when my mom made me a dish i requested. i had a few catfish nuggets and about 2 cups of white rice, nothing crazy. i was doing well until at 1 am, when i smoked a few bowls by myself. i was getting hungry and couldn't stop thinking about eating.

so i made the mistake of eating a banana (~80 cal), which turned into a small rice crispies treat (90 cal), which turned into a Hershey's bar (210 cal), which turned into about three 100 grand mini chocolate bars (270 cal), sweet potato fries (130) and a faux chicken patty (130).

yes, i am thoroughly ashamed of myself, but i did lose 1.2 lbs. i'm not going to mention what my weight is at the moment but i shall keep you updated. but now i'm going to catch up on some blogs and get into my daily routine of... doing nothing. i want to go back to school so bad. i need to go back to the gym and just be in my own apartment. of course i love my family, but none of my friends live in my hometown anymore, besides 1 and she has a kid and a job. the rest live further away and it would cost me $$ I don't have to go see them!

anyway, ciao for now my friends :)

12/28/2010

wow, i haven't posted in so long. i'm at my parent's house and it is sucking. my dad has always been an alcoholic but now he works 3rd shift, so when he's awake everyone else is asleep. this is bad because he gets bored and just drinks, and drinks, occasionally takes pills (i don't know the extent of this, but they are prescribed and HIS), falls down, gets hurt, drives drunk, drinks some more, etc. etc.
it's fucking pathetic that i can't even enjoy coming home anymore because i have to see my fucking drunk dad stumbling around like a fucking idiot. i don't know how my mom can stand living with him. it's pathetic and i'm scared he's going to die before i graduate. he has had liver problems in the past, and his drinking of liquor and pills is hard on his liver, and that doesn't include the possibility of getting into a car accident while drunk or falling and hurting himself.
i love my dad so fucking much, i ask him why can't he stop? he tells me he's asked God but God won't help him, i tell him he needs to help himself and he says go fuck yourself.
i'm crying and upset because i want to help him but what can i do? i love him so much and all i can do is sit and watch him kill himself because he is depressed.
we all have our problems but i keep telling myself that some people don't have their dads around, or they beat them or hurt them and that i'm lucky to have had him around so long. but if something happens i don't know what i will do. i'm going to become a hoarder, or a drug addict, or succumb to some dark, downward spiral.
i've never had to deal with the death of someone close to me. my mom keeps telling me not to blame myself because of him. i just don't know what to do, i've only been home for 8 days and 3 of those i was out of town at my friend's houses.

how sad is it that i can't even enjoy being at home for the holidays? i just want to go back to school and my gym, but then when i get there i'll just be putting my problems behind me and looking at other ones. *sigh*


sorry for the emo post, i don't know who else to talk to.

December

Wow, I can't believe it's December already. This time last year I was many pounds heavier, but happier. I spent lots of happy times with the "other guy", and now I haven't spoken to him and months, and never will because he wants nothing to do with me. I'm not really sad about it, I've resigned myself to our lack of a relationship and his obvious disdain for my existence. I haven't spoken to him in so long I wouldn't even know what to say. I am curious as to whether he has a girlfriend or not, and what's going on in his life, but oh well.

Anyway, this is my month. My favorite month. Too bad I start it off by getting sick; my throat is so itchy so I'm drinking a packet of Emergen-C (25 cals). Hopefully I will be able to ward off whatever I'm beginning to catch, but I doubt it. It also doesn't help that it's pouring and so windy outside and I have to walk to class in this crap... oh well.
Monday I went to the gym and did 3 miles on the treadmill and 3 weight machines. On the treadmill I was running every half mile, walking the other half mile and my left hip where the leg connects to the hip was hurting after, so I decided (along with my desire to be lazy) to stay home last night and just chill with the boyfriend. I spent yesterday leisurely reading, although I should have been catching up on school work.
I am amazingly broke. My rent is paid but all my other bills are due. Just gotta wait until Friday, but all money that I get will go towards bills. Being a broke college student sucks, especially when one doesn't have a job. I guess that's my fault though.
Anyway, I'm being emo. I haven't weighed myself today and I don't want to, but I'm going to. I know it's going to be around 128 and most likely higher. Bleh.

11/26/10

so i've been debating on whether or not i want to post about what has happened to me this week, but i feel that i can lie to myself, i can lie to others, but i can't lie to my followers and because... i dunno.

• late summer/right before school started back i blogged about meeting Jeb (fake name), a guy who i hooked up with who stood me up the 2nd time we were supposed to meet up because i am apparently "too clingy" (frankly i wasn't upset that much because he has an EXTREMELY small male part)
• his roommate, Ricardo (fake name), obviously had a thing for me. i met him first and lightly touched his arm to let him know i was there (body language my friends) but i wasn't really feeling him so i didn't really pursue him
• Ricardo was the one who consoled me when Jeb stood me up, we smoked together and just talked, then he got my number from Jeb's phone and we have been texting each other back and forth since the summer (i go to school 12 hours away)
• originally, i had no intention of anything ever happening between Ricardo and I. I wasn't really attracted to him and i knew he had a girlfriend and i just thought it was weird that he was going behind his girl and shit, etc etc. nothing bad was happening between the texts, but he kept telling me how cool i was and how sexy, you know the drill. i would have a text from him in the morning and he was just really sweet (aren't they all)
• so, as the months roll on we start having more sexual conversations, i send him pics and he sends me pics (his body is so fucking sexy) and eventually when my boyfriend isn't home and Ricardo is away from his girlfriend, we have a sexual conversation on the phone. as time continues to roll on we eventually make plans to meet up when i go home and get a hotel room
• so the plan was for us to spend the night together this past saturday and sunday night, but on the thursday before, i decided that i couldn't cheat on my boyfriend. i hadn't seen Ricardo in months and was scared that i wouldn't be attracted to him and the night would be a flop
• so he changes his plans again, he originally had the whole weekend free but since i had changed plans, everything was on his time. so saturday night we eventually meet up at 1 am, i leave my friends place and meet him at his car because he was hiding from Jeb (aren't we so sleazy? and yes, Ricardo is aware of the activities that happened between Jeb and I... as shitty as they were). we go to this place and park the car
• very sexy things happen, blah blah, i kept bitching because i was so horny and there are so many things that i want to do with him, but i can't because we are in this shitty little coupe type car. i put my feet all over his window and draw my name in the fog because part of me wants his girlfriend to find out whats happening. i even told him how funny it is that while we're fucking his girlfriend is sleeping. yes, i know i am a terrible, horrible person, but karma always comes back around.
• so the next day we're supposed to hang out, of course we don't because he's a stupid dude and i'm a stupid girl who falls for stupid dudes who i wasn't even interested in from the start.

moral of the story: don't do something you don't want to do, or at least don't cancel plans. i feel like if we got a hotel room the nights would have been magical and i wouldn't have ended up twiddling my thumbs while waiting for some stupid guy to text me for potential booty call action. but he has the best body out of any guy i've ever been with, so that has to count for something right?
i deleted his number from my phone and i haven't heard from him in days. *guffaw* what was i expecting?? i mean i'm not upset. i'm just angry at myself because i canceled our original plans because i didn't want to have sex, but we ended up having sex anyway. whereas we could have had amazing sex in a hotel instead of a car. you live you learn, right?

ps- i copied this bullet idea from someone (sorry, i can't remember who right now) and you're right it is much easier to get a story like this out by using bullet points. sorry if it was hard to follow and i hope none of you judge me, although i'm expecting to lose a few followers tonight.

weight wise: thanksgiving holiday. i forgot my scale at my apartment and i don't even wanna think about what my weight currently is. but i plan to be my goal weight by christmas, and that's a promise that i expect and want ya'll to hold me to. it will happen.

P.S.A.

a friend of a friend died recently due to a heart attack. she was a 20 something who was out of therapy and recovering from anorexia.

i'm not going to say much else, but i think that it's something we should all take a minute to think about. please pray for her family and friends, and people all over the world who are affected by an eating disorder.

11/18/2010 10:15 am

okay, done being emo. if he doesn't want to hang out with me, his loss.

the liquid fast yesterday went well. had ~300 total calories in the form of a latte and breakfast drink mix and milk.

morning weight: 124.2
but we all know that number changes as soon as one eats, so i'm not going to update my ticker until i can maintain this weight for at least 3 days.

edit 12:17 pm

broke my fast with sweet potato fries (~150 cal), 2 zesty pickles (0) and 2 caramel flavored rice cakes (100 cal).
then i purged the rice cakes. wtf? i know i looked real fucking sexy standing over my kitchen sink, tears rolling down my face and snot pouring out of my nose, shoving a toothbrush handle down my throat. i don't even know what the appeal is. i could go to the gym and burn those cals in half an hour. which is what i plan on doing after class.

whatever.