yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
too bad i have an exam :(
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
FML
so fasting yesterday was going well until about 8:30 PM, when i jokingly suggested to my roommate/ex-bf/bf that we should go to his favorite restaurant. he jumped at the opportunity, and i stuffed myself stupid, having:
~10 fried green beans (wtf, fried green beans??? they're sooo good though!)
9 medium sized fried shrimp
~10 fried sweet potato fries
i hate eating fried shit. only because greasy stuff goes straight through my system and out... if you know what i mean. but i still ended up losing .8 of a pound, so blehhhh. i didn't end up going to the gym either last night, cuz by the time we got home they were closed already.
BUT, today i have fasted, the only calories i have had have been a fresh, 16 oz. strawberry & banana smoothie (i made sure to ask if they use sugar, they don't). i also went to the gym, but didn't do too much. :( i did exactly a mile on the treadmill (half jogging and half power walking with the incline on 8) and 25 minutes of weight lifting (leg press- 170 lbs., shoulder press- 30 lbs., pulldown- 60 lbs., and the machine where you sit down and pull the arm things back- 50 lbs.; 3 sets of 15 reps. each & some stretching).
hopefully tomorrow i will be down to 125, but every time i lift, i always seem to gain. :(
i also saw THAT guy THREE fucking times in the past two days. you know, the guy that i used to hang out with and smoke with almost everyday, developed non-mutual feelings for, had sex with, and now (on his accord) we never talk. we made (very) small talk and i hate how he's so fucking fake (nice to my face but blocking me off most of his facebook (i ended up deleting him) and never contacting me until he wants something). i try to act indifferent towards him and answer him in very short statements. i don't know what his issue is, but sometimes i wish he would just flat out tell me he never wants anything to do with me again. i keep holding out hope because we always go through these phases, where we will hang out everyday, not hang out for a while, and then start hanging out again. but now, since we had sex, i feel that he is really done with me, and i need to just accept that fact. but, it's really fucking hard when we go to school together, live very close to each other, and have the potential to pass each other often.
this just gives me more motivation to reach my goal weight. maybe he will start talking to me again if i do?
*sigh* i feel so pathetic, caring so much for this person who doesn't give two shits about me. i also feel that i am starting to obsess over my weight. when i eat i feel somewhat guilty, and i think of the food just sitting there in my stomach, the physical weight of it and the caloric weight of it causing me to gain weight. i don't like this new anxiety about eating and it's starting to scare me. i feel like the more weight i lose, the more fat i have. it's like the smaller my frame gets, the more the fat on my body sticks out more. i have noticed my upper arm fat is shrinking, but my thighs are always the same. i think my thighs will always be fat, no matter how much weight i lose. and i'm not just saying that, i really truly believe it, and my thighs prove it.
i'm really scared that i'll never be happy, even when i am at 118. i feel like 118 is a good number, then i see other people on blogger and other sites who are 118 but still consider themselves fat.
is 118 really fat? if 118 is fat, then 126 must be humongous.
and another reason i feel so distraught is because i really don't have friends up here. :( all my friends are at home, hundreds of miles away. i talk to them daily, but it's not the same. i'm the type of person who likes to go out on a whim, smoke blunts, gossip, and just have fun. i have my roomie/ex/bf, but i fucking live with him, and he doesn't really like to go out too much... at all really.
i obviously need other friends. the other guy was one of my few friends up here, but obviously that didn't work out. my other friend i haven't seen much lately, and the only other person i consider a "friend" (i wouldn't even go that far to call her a friend) is a fucking weirdo.
i have an exam tomorrow that i need to study for, and reading to do. please excuse my emo post.
~10 fried green beans (wtf, fried green beans??? they're sooo good though!)
9 medium sized fried shrimp
~10 fried sweet potato fries
i hate eating fried shit. only because greasy stuff goes straight through my system and out... if you know what i mean. but i still ended up losing .8 of a pound, so blehhhh. i didn't end up going to the gym either last night, cuz by the time we got home they were closed already.
BUT, today i have fasted, the only calories i have had have been a fresh, 16 oz. strawberry & banana smoothie (i made sure to ask if they use sugar, they don't). i also went to the gym, but didn't do too much. :( i did exactly a mile on the treadmill (half jogging and half power walking with the incline on 8) and 25 minutes of weight lifting (leg press- 170 lbs., shoulder press- 30 lbs., pulldown- 60 lbs., and the machine where you sit down and pull the arm things back- 50 lbs.; 3 sets of 15 reps. each & some stretching).
hopefully tomorrow i will be down to 125, but every time i lift, i always seem to gain. :(
i also saw THAT guy THREE fucking times in the past two days. you know, the guy that i used to hang out with and smoke with almost everyday, developed non-mutual feelings for, had sex with, and now (on his accord) we never talk. we made (very) small talk and i hate how he's so fucking fake (nice to my face but blocking me off most of his facebook (i ended up deleting him) and never contacting me until he wants something). i try to act indifferent towards him and answer him in very short statements. i don't know what his issue is, but sometimes i wish he would just flat out tell me he never wants anything to do with me again. i keep holding out hope because we always go through these phases, where we will hang out everyday, not hang out for a while, and then start hanging out again. but now, since we had sex, i feel that he is really done with me, and i need to just accept that fact. but, it's really fucking hard when we go to school together, live very close to each other, and have the potential to pass each other often.
this just gives me more motivation to reach my goal weight. maybe he will start talking to me again if i do?
*sigh* i feel so pathetic, caring so much for this person who doesn't give two shits about me. i also feel that i am starting to obsess over my weight. when i eat i feel somewhat guilty, and i think of the food just sitting there in my stomach, the physical weight of it and the caloric weight of it causing me to gain weight. i don't like this new anxiety about eating and it's starting to scare me. i feel like the more weight i lose, the more fat i have. it's like the smaller my frame gets, the more the fat on my body sticks out more. i have noticed my upper arm fat is shrinking, but my thighs are always the same. i think my thighs will always be fat, no matter how much weight i lose. and i'm not just saying that, i really truly believe it, and my thighs prove it.
i'm really scared that i'll never be happy, even when i am at 118. i feel like 118 is a good number, then i see other people on blogger and other sites who are 118 but still consider themselves fat.
is 118 really fat? if 118 is fat, then 126 must be humongous.
and another reason i feel so distraught is because i really don't have friends up here. :( all my friends are at home, hundreds of miles away. i talk to them daily, but it's not the same. i'm the type of person who likes to go out on a whim, smoke blunts, gossip, and just have fun. i have my roomie/ex/bf, but i fucking live with him, and he doesn't really like to go out too much... at all really.
i obviously need other friends. the other guy was one of my few friends up here, but obviously that didn't work out. my other friend i haven't seen much lately, and the only other person i consider a "friend" (i wouldn't even go that far to call her a friend) is a fucking weirdo.
i have an exam tomorrow that i need to study for, and reading to do. please excuse my emo post.
Monday, September 27, 2010
126.8
this is the lowest i can ever remember being. fasted all day yesterday (water & iced tea) and i am also fasting today. i'm not sure how long i'm going to fast for, i guess i'll just wing it.
i'm going to head to the gym after my night class and do some lifting and the treadmill. i'm not going to aim for 40 minutes because i haven't eaten in two days, but i'll try to do a sensible amount. if anything, i'll just turn up the incline and walk for a little.
i'm curious to see what i weigh tomorrow, 126.8 just isn't cutting it for me.
i'm going to head to the gym after my night class and do some lifting and the treadmill. i'm not going to aim for 40 minutes because i haven't eaten in two days, but i'll try to do a sensible amount. if anything, i'll just turn up the incline and walk for a little.
i'm curious to see what i weigh tomorrow, 126.8 just isn't cutting it for me.
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