hmm

so, i haven't posted in a loooooong time, for mainly two reasons:
1) i kinda fell off the wagon. i haven't been to the gym in... two weeks *oh mai gawd* and i've been eating like a fatass... but today i weighed 129 lbs. in the past two days i haven't wanted to eat, which leads me to reason numero dos,
2) i've been dealing with so much fucking drama, with one person who i have dealt with drama before. i really wish i could tell you how much i hate and loathe this person, but it would honestly take me so fucking long. basically they are one of those types of people who has to have their nose in everything. they get involved and then get pissed when someone says something to them that they remotely consider rude, but then it's okay for them to treat you that way, and they even say worse things. like, i honestly wish i could explain this person, but please trust me, they are fucking CRAZY. i mean mentally unstable. like, they have a script and are still fucking crazy, in the nosy, provoking way. have to turn everything around on you and make it about them, play the victim, and twist your words.
basically today everything climaxed (i hate that word), and shit hit the fan. we were honestly screaming at each other, it was ridiculous. now that we have both expressed that we want nothing to do with each other, it makes me feel a lot better. like, i would honestly not blink if this person died, that's how much i detest them.

anyway, i'm hoping that i can hit 125 this week. i think becoming a pescatarian has helped me not pack on the pounds while eating like a 500 lb man. tomorrow is 2 weeks with no meat, very proud of myself. i also treated myself and got a pedicure, nails filled and eyebrows done. the women in there were so nice, they're always nice actually.

these past few days have been crazy and drama filled. it's affected me physically as i have 3 fucking huge zits on my face. and not the whitehead kind, the kind that's waaaaaaaaay under the skin and fucking HUGE and red as hell. i think the extra huge one is actually two zits combined. i ordered a clarisonic the other day. supposedly they really help with the little blackheads in the chin and such, and i hate exfoliating my face with grainy products and haven't done it in probably... years. i'll let ya'll know how it works when i get it. i got this one in blue.

anyway, that's enough babble for me. thank you everyone for the positive comments, you are all amazing and i really don't know what i would do without my blogging friends around the world. i mean that, seriously. all 31 of you, i am really flattered that that many people would give a shit enough to even follow me, wow!

time to get high and wander off

angry angry angry

so yesterday i had a job interview at the mall that was given to me by my lesbian friend from class. then after that i went shopping and spent $368 (wtffF) on my credit card. i bought 3 pairs of lucky jeans (size 4, tight, using them as a "goal weight prize") that were $30 off each pair, 2 beaded bracelets from lucky, a striped hoodie and a green long cardigan thing from forever 21, and some bare minerals makeup from sephora. i usually wouldn't spend that much money on jeans, but i have a credit card, and with the discount they were... fairly cheap?

my friend and i went outside to smoke, and there were two younger guys who are employees of clear smoking too. my friend had to go back to work (we were supposed to smoke a j, but i left my papers at home. so we hit her little bowl only once and she decided to go back to work) so i decided to park myself by them and smoke my ciggy. things led to another and i got one guys number and we were supposed to smoke last night. BUT i didn't want to hang out with a bunch of random guys alone, and my wing girl wasn't going to be home that night, so i made up some lame excuse and told him i couldn't chill and that i would contact him again. which i will. i just smoke and ate toooo much yesterday. i couldn't even suck in my gut, i didn't want to go anywhere.

which leads me to the title of my post- i have gained THREE lbs this weekend!!!! oh my fucking god i'm so angry at myself. i knew what i was doing. i'm just fucking lazy and fat and i have no fucking self control. so i'm going to (liquid) fast for 3 days at least. if anyone would like to join me, please let me know, i could really use the help. at least i haven't eaten meat in 6 days, that has to count for something. i have to lose 10 lbs as soon as possible. which means i need to start exercising regularly... god i've been slacking too fucking much. i'm getting comfortable with 130 lbs. and need to kick myself in the ass and get down to 118, my ultimate goal.

;aksjfkl;asjf;lajfkl;ajf i also have done none of my fucking homework that was due LAST WEEK.
i fucking suck at life.

9/5/10

so... i don't even want to think about how much food i ate last night and the night before. it wasn't even real food, i just got high and raided the gas station aisles. sunflower seeds, gummy krabby patties, laffy taffy, pretzel m&ms, peanut m&ms, and even COKE! i have never even drank coke like that (i was obsessed with mt. dew though...) so you get the idea. i do well all day and then hung out with one of my lesbian stoner buddies, get the munchies (har har) and i have to chow down on sweet shit. when i'm high by myself, it's okay. like today i've only had 2 cups of unsweetened almond milk.
so i'm going to the gym today, and i'm going to force myself onto the treadmill. the elliptical is soooo boring for me now. i'm also going to lift, because i love the feeling the next day. makes me feel like i accomplished something, even when i pig out on hundreds of grams of sugar.

so last night i got my ex to smoke pot for the first time. i won't tell you my half of the bargain, but anyway. we had amazing high sex (possibly the best in the years that we had been together) and then he started bugging. i made him sign a contract to not start bugging, but he did. he kept saying how time was going by soooo slow (has anyone seen the video of the cop and his wife who smoke weed, then freak out and call the police? they talk about how time is going by so slow) and he just wanted it to end. and he ended up throwing up. but i did get an amazing blackmail video of him while high. that's definitely the last time i smoke with a newbie smoker.

anyway, off to force myself to go to the gym and not eat anything today. bai <3