okay, so it's only 9 pm here on new year's eve... but i know for some of you it's already 2011 so HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i'm starting 2011 on a good note and have fasted today- water, diet dr. pepper, & gum.
the bar later so hopefully i won't come home drunk and chow down. i'm never hungry while drunk so i don't see that happening...
anyway, be safe everyone!!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
12/30/2010
thank you everyone for your comments. honestly, from the bottom of my shriveled heart, i appreciate them so much. while my situation sucks, it's comforting to know that i am not the only person going through such things. then i watch shows like intervention & celebrity rehab and i know that people with addictions are damaged and usually that damage is caused by other people. how fucked up is that? anyway...
so i really let myself go over the break. a few weeks ago i got really fucking sick and stopped going to the gym and started eating regularly. then finals started and i was still sick and making excuses to not go to the gym. then my (bitchy, fat- see HERE) friend came and visited me for a week. of course i told her (3 times) to bring gym clothes, but when i asked where they were she said she left them at home because i would be busy with finals... okay... most terrible excuse ever.
so therefore, you see, i have gained some weight. but yesterday my fat jeans were tight and i decided that i cannot let myself balloon up again. so yesterday i had only a grande non-fat latte and diet dr. pepper until about 7 pm when my mom made me a dish i requested. i had a few catfish nuggets and about 2 cups of white rice, nothing crazy. i was doing well until at 1 am, when i smoked a few bowls by myself. i was getting hungry and couldn't stop thinking about eating.
so i made the mistake of eating a banana (~80 cal), which turned into a small rice crispies treat (90 cal), which turned into a Hershey's bar (210 cal), which turned into about three 100 grand mini chocolate bars (270 cal), sweet potato fries (130) and a faux chicken patty (130).
yes, i am thoroughly ashamed of myself, but i did lose 1.2 lbs. i'm not going to mention what my weight is at the moment but i shall keep you updated. but now i'm going to catch up on some blogs and get into my daily routine of... doing nothing. i want to go back to school so bad. i need to go back to the gym and just be in my own apartment. of course i love my family, but none of my friends live in my hometown anymore, besides 1 and she has a kid and a job. the rest live further away and it would cost me $$ I don't have to go see them!
anyway, ciao for now my friends :)
so i really let myself go over the break. a few weeks ago i got really fucking sick and stopped going to the gym and started eating regularly. then finals started and i was still sick and making excuses to not go to the gym. then my (bitchy, fat- see HERE) friend came and visited me for a week. of course i told her (3 times) to bring gym clothes, but when i asked where they were she said she left them at home because i would be busy with finals... okay... most terrible excuse ever.
so therefore, you see, i have gained some weight. but yesterday my fat jeans were tight and i decided that i cannot let myself balloon up again. so yesterday i had only a grande non-fat latte and diet dr. pepper until about 7 pm when my mom made me a dish i requested. i had a few catfish nuggets and about 2 cups of white rice, nothing crazy. i was doing well until at 1 am, when i smoked a few bowls by myself. i was getting hungry and couldn't stop thinking about eating.
so i made the mistake of eating a banana (~80 cal), which turned into a small rice crispies treat (90 cal), which turned into a Hershey's bar (210 cal), which turned into about three 100 grand mini chocolate bars (270 cal), sweet potato fries (130) and a faux chicken patty (130).
yes, i am thoroughly ashamed of myself, but i did lose 1.2 lbs. i'm not going to mention what my weight is at the moment but i shall keep you updated. but now i'm going to catch up on some blogs and get into my daily routine of... doing nothing. i want to go back to school so bad. i need to go back to the gym and just be in my own apartment. of course i love my family, but none of my friends live in my hometown anymore, besides 1 and she has a kid and a job. the rest live further away and it would cost me $$ I don't have to go see them!
anyway, ciao for now my friends :)
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
12/28/2010
wow, i haven't posted in so long. i'm at my parent's house and it is sucking. my dad has always been an alcoholic but now he works 3rd shift, so when he's awake everyone else is asleep. this is bad because he gets bored and just drinks, and drinks, occasionally takes pills (i don't know the extent of this, but they are prescribed and HIS), falls down, gets hurt, drives drunk, drinks some more, etc. etc.
it's fucking pathetic that i can't even enjoy coming home anymore because i have to see my fucking drunk dad stumbling around like a fucking idiot. i don't know how my mom can stand living with him. it's pathetic and i'm scared he's going to die before i graduate. he has had liver problems in the past, and his drinking of liquor and pills is hard on his liver, and that doesn't include the possibility of getting into a car accident while drunk or falling and hurting himself.
i love my dad so fucking much, i ask him why can't he stop? he tells me he's asked God but God won't help him, i tell him he needs to help himself and he says go fuck yourself.
i'm crying and upset because i want to help him but what can i do? i love him so much and all i can do is sit and watch him kill himself because he is depressed.
we all have our problems but i keep telling myself that some people don't have their dads around, or they beat them or hurt them and that i'm lucky to have had him around so long. but if something happens i don't know what i will do. i'm going to become a hoarder, or a drug addict, or succumb to some dark, downward spiral.
i've never had to deal with the death of someone close to me. my mom keeps telling me not to blame myself because of him. i just don't know what to do, i've only been home for 8 days and 3 of those i was out of town at my friend's houses.
how sad is it that i can't even enjoy being at home for the holidays? i just want to go back to school and my gym, but then when i get there i'll just be putting my problems behind me and looking at other ones. *sigh*
sorry for the emo post, i don't know who else to talk to.
it's fucking pathetic that i can't even enjoy coming home anymore because i have to see my fucking drunk dad stumbling around like a fucking idiot. i don't know how my mom can stand living with him. it's pathetic and i'm scared he's going to die before i graduate. he has had liver problems in the past, and his drinking of liquor and pills is hard on his liver, and that doesn't include the possibility of getting into a car accident while drunk or falling and hurting himself.
i love my dad so fucking much, i ask him why can't he stop? he tells me he's asked God but God won't help him, i tell him he needs to help himself and he says go fuck yourself.
i'm crying and upset because i want to help him but what can i do? i love him so much and all i can do is sit and watch him kill himself because he is depressed.
we all have our problems but i keep telling myself that some people don't have their dads around, or they beat them or hurt them and that i'm lucky to have had him around so long. but if something happens i don't know what i will do. i'm going to become a hoarder, or a drug addict, or succumb to some dark, downward spiral.
i've never had to deal with the death of someone close to me. my mom keeps telling me not to blame myself because of him. i just don't know what to do, i've only been home for 8 days and 3 of those i was out of town at my friend's houses.
how sad is it that i can't even enjoy being at home for the holidays? i just want to go back to school and my gym, but then when i get there i'll just be putting my problems behind me and looking at other ones. *sigh*
sorry for the emo post, i don't know who else to talk to.
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